


Jersey's Voice

by GreenEyedSinisterPants



Category: My Chemical Romance, Rock Music RPF
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Best Friends, Diners, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Finding Oneself, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Holidays, I don't know what else to tag, I suck at tags, I'll tag more later - Freeform, Love, Love Triangles, Music, Musicians, New Jersey, Road Trip, Self-Discovery, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, band practice, losing oneself, my chemical romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 44,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4169052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenEyedSinisterPants/pseuds/GreenEyedSinisterPants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Lost, alone, cold and confused.<br/>Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.<br/>Check, never coming back to the big apple.<br/>Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."</p>
<p>A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.<br/>A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_"I'm okay, I promise,"_ I wrote on the small bright yellow note card.

Gently I placed it on the coffee maker, knowing it would the first place anyone saw anything, coffee kept us going. Ever since our collective freshman year of college, I think it was our common tie.

Sighing to myself I hefted up my bag and grabbed my suitcase before taking one last look around the apartment we collectively shared. You would have no idea that two girls and two guys lived here, none what so ever. It looked like a pack of rhinos collided with a pack of neat freaks, it was a very odd combination. Especially when both collision teams had one of the opposite sex on it. I was on the messy rhino side.

Taking one last look I sighed silently and walked out the front door, locking it silently behind me.

**-xXx-**

"What can I get ya hun?" a loud waitress asked kindly as she popped her gum at me.

"Uh, just some coffee please. And an ashtray?" I asked skeptically, I had no idea the rules here.

"Coming right up hun," she said affectionately as she snapped her gum and turned back to the counter.

I was in the middle of New Jersey, alone, with all my shit, soon to be drinking coffee in a tiny diner that looked like time had forgotten yet affected. This read like a bad paper back already and I had only ran away from life a handfull or so days ago. Since then I had drifted from place to place, wandering about the states looking for, well looking for me actually. I parceled my money correctly, though I really wasn't worried about running out, and kept myself to myself. It was better that way.

"Here ya go dear, and the bagel and jam is on the house. You looked like you could use a pick me up and a smile," the loud waitress said as she deposited my items in front of me.

She had opened the bagel so it looked like eyes and formed the jam packets into a smile. It made me smile as she filled my off white coffee mug full of fresh steaming liquid gold. I like New Jersey so far.

"Thank you," I replied kindly as she snapped her gum and laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder before turning back to the rest of the patrons.

I poured a small dash of sugar in my coffee and waited for it to cool down a bit before ingesting. I pulled out my cigarettes, laying them on the table next to my coffee and smiley face breakfast, and then pulled out my diary. No, journal. Yes, journal sounds more grown up. I had kept one ever since I decided that I needed out, that I needed to run, and had been keeping a log of things to date so far on my trip of self discovery. Opening the medium sized black book to the bookmarked place I read the last bit of the last entry.

_**"Pennsylvania. Large, open, vast, empty. Lots of factories, the air smells of factory smoke, people are quiet and keep to themselves. I don't think I like Pennsylvania. I don't think I'll stay. So onto the next stop I get to, I think I'll try New Jersey. It's small, it's a nice shape on the map, maybe the people are better. I didn't even get to see the damn chocolate place. Pennsylvania sucked ass."** _

I smiled, so far New Jersey was shaping up to be much better than Pennsylvania. Though to be fair I hadn't given the other state much of a chance. One bad run in with a creepy factory worker and I had black listed the entire state, the entire Pennsylvania people as a whole. Which I hated doing, I hated judging a mass by one, it was never fair to the other two through how ever many else.

I sipped my coffee as I clicked my pen into action and started jotted down notes in my newest entry.

_**"New Jersey. So far so good. The waitresses are loud, they snap their gum and have atrocious accents. BUT they are also kind, call you hun, go out of their way to make your day and make great smiley faces with bagels and jam. Coffee is hot and black, you can smoke in their diners, and even the gruff old men smile when they come in the swinging doors of their favorite diner. So far, Jersey is much better. We'll see."** _

I smiled as I laid my pen to rest before taking another sip of my coffee. It was hot, and strong, and the best coffee to date on my trip. I liked it here.

I took another sip of my coffee, stuck a lit cigarette loosely between my lips and started spreading jam on my still warm bagel. I took a drag out of the side of my lips as I finished spreading the purple-y red goo when the door bell chimed as someone came in.

"Hi Reta," a loud voice boomed.

"Hi boys," the loud, gum snapping waitress said.

So Reta was her name. Probably could have figured that out myself if I had paid attention to her name tag earlier. Oh well.

"The usual guys?" Reta asked, a smile staining her face a happy shape.

"What else," one of them replied.

There were four guys, all dressed similar. In black. Though they seemed to smile a lot, and chatted actively with the people sitting around them. They seemed like good people.

"Where is he? He's never late for Reta's," one with big hair said.

So Reta owned the place. Huh.

"I don't know, he's pro-," a thin looking one started to speak but the front door crashed open loudly, cutting him off.

"Probably running late," the new comer said out of breath as he picked himself up from almost tripping over his own feet.

Sitting down with his friends he caught his breath.

"Coffee for you mister I'm running late today, iced tea for you Ray, milk for Bob, decaf coffee for you sir Mikey, and last but not least a large OJ for Frankie," Reta said as she placed the drinks in front of the boys.

"Hooray for OJ! Oh that rhymed," the one supposedly called Frank exclaimed excitedly as he clapped his hands together and grabbed for his tall orange drink happily.

A few of the older patrons chuckled at his outburst.

I opened my book as I ashed my cigarette and grabbed my pen.

_**"Reta is loud waitresses name, she owns the joint. Orange juice makes Jersey people happy. Reta's diner is a place where everyone knows your name."** _

Smiling I placed my cigarette in the ashtray and took a large bite of my purply red sticky bagel. It was still warm.

_**"Bagels stay warm."** _

**-xXx-**

"You alright hun? No where to go or just taking a lazy day?" Reta asked.

It was after lunch time, I had stayed all day at the diner. Not moving, just drinking coffee, smoking cancer sticks, doodling in my journal and taking in the scenery. Reta hadn't minded, always filled my coffee when it looked like it needed it, brought me a menu when lunch rolled around and said it was on the house. Whatever I ordered. I ordered a ruben with home made fries. It was the best lunch I've ever eaten. The ruben was almost the size of my head with hot corn beef and more sauerkraut than I could shake a fist at. And the fries were piled so high I could barely see the gargantuan sandwich, and they were hand cut home made fires. Basically it was a good thing I didn't care about weight because I could feel my arteries closing at the sight of the meal when Reta placed the steaming plate in front of me.

After eating I had stayed some more, and it was now roughly three in the afternoon. I had been here since seven. The mysterious guys from the morning had long since gone, wishing a hearty goodbye to Reta, promising to return tomorrow like always. It made me smile.

"Actually it's a weird combination of the two. I left the place I called home some days ago and here I am," I said, the short and sweet version of it I guess.

Reta sat down across from me, gave the guy behind in the kitchen a hand signal and unpinned her name tag, carefully placing it on the table beside her elbow.

"I ran off at the age of sixteen, to see the world I said. To do incredible things I said. And I wound up getting pregnant, addicted to drugs, losing my baby and finally wound up here, looking for work. Looking for anything. I had no idea of self, or anything of the world. I was a mess, hadn't eaten a right meal in days, nor washed, I was detoxing since I hadn't had a fix in days and life was the lowest for me. The previous owner took me in, fed me, gave me a place to crash, washed and clothed me, let me stay through detox and gave me a job. I've worked here ever since, never went to high school nor any fancy college, but I own my own restaurant now. So I know a a little of what it's like," Reta said with a pleasant smile on her face.

So maybe our stories weren't exactly the same, but there were enough similarities.

"How long did it take you to find yourself?" I asked as I passed her a cigarette when I got one for myself.

"I don't know exactly when I found myself, everything was so new back then it's hard to say. It might have been when I first met Ernie, my husband and head cook back there," Reta said as she pointed over shoulder to the giant man behind the counter filling coffee in his cook's apron.

I smiled a bit at the beast of a man.

"But I don't know really, but it came eventually. Is that what you're out doing? Finding yourself?" she asked as she exhaled smoke.

"Yeah. I found myself losing myself a long time ago, back when I was in college. I wasn't me anymore, I was someone else. And afterwards I had moved in with college friends, I began to grate at my surroundings, but never said anything. And then over a week ago I just upped and left, not saying a word to anyone and just leaving a note and walking out the front door, locking it behind me for forever. And here I am, sitting here planning my next move after many sights seen. No closer to finding myself than I was when I started, but I like Jersey's feel so far. Much better than Pennsylvania," I joked.

"What's your next move?" she asked kindly.

"I don't know really, find a hostel somewhere here, sit down and think and plan what's next. I've just kind of been going with the flow so far, seeing where the beat of the country takes me. At some point I'll have to stop and settle since money won't be around forever and at some point I'll have to have more funds. I'm just hoping that I've found myself by then, but I plan well and I've parceled even better, keeping a strict regiment on cash spending, so I'll be alright for a bit more," I said as I sipped on my coffee.

Reta refilled it as she had sat down with a pot in her hand.

"A hostel?" she asked confused as she topped off my cup.

"Yeah, a youth hostel. It's a cheap place for travelers to stay while out and about. Not the swaggest of places, but it's a place to crash, to wash, to sleep. To think. It's what I've been doing since heading out," I explained.

"Hows about we strike a deal?" she asked, eyebrow raised as she ashed her cigarette and squashed it out.

"A deal?" I asked back, perplexed.

"I have a small apartment above the diner. You stay there for a bit, as if you were at a hostile, only free of charge. You think things out and come to me when you've decided your next move. And if that's to stay in Jersey, even if for a little bit, you can have a job here. It's not the classiest of places, not the most posh. But the pay is steady, the people are nice, and you eat free of charge, and all the coffee you could ever want," Reta explained as she stood up to back to work.

"Why?" I asked at the sudden severe outburst of kindness.

"Because I see a little of me in you, and know what it's like to need a helping hand from a stranger every once and a while," she said smiling as she turned to back to her customers.

But I stopped her with my voice.

"Jayden," I said loudly.

Reta turned to look at me at my outburst.

"My name's Jayden. I'm from Salina Kansas. And I'd love to take you up on that offer," I said hastily.

"All right Jayden from Salina Kansas, you've got it," Reta said as she smiled and stepped behind the counter.

I smiled and opened my book.

_**"I am Jayden Horraspeak. I am from Salina Kansas and I've traveled the U.S. looking for myself. I've just found a glimmer in Jersey."** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

I fidgeted in front of the mirror, adjusting my outfit for the hundredth time that morning. It wasn't the fact that it was blue and white checkered, or that it had a frilly apron on it with a silver name tag pinned to my chest. It was that it was a dress. Jayden Taylor Horraspeak didn't wear dresses.

It had been three days since I had taken Reta up on her offer of staying till I figured things out. I had stashed my things, not unpacking so as to make my decision unbiased. I had scouted the city, it wasn't much, but it was nice. Yeah it had it's dirty parts, but every place does, here's was just less life threatening like. I had found a local art museum within walking distance, along with a public library. All at the tips of my fingers. I had come to know the regulars a bit, both the breakfast and lunch ones, and a few of the dinner ones. But not the mysterious group of guys. The people here were nice, they weren't afraid to greet you with a smile, nor make a comment about the weather to strike a conversation.

I wrote in my journal often, documenting the things I had seen. I took photos of my surroundings with my digital, photos that weren't necessarily of something in particular but more like how the light reflected off the corner of my window sill. I used them to paint images for my journal entries, titling them to correspond with certain entries and making notes in my entries to refer to them. And after all of that I had decided to stay. At least for a bit. To replenish my cash. So far Jersey spoke to me, or at least I thought it did, it was a soft barely audible sound, but it spoke to me nonetheless.

So here I was, putting on my uniform to work for Reta for the first time. It was five in the morning and I hated the fact that I was in a dress.

"Blehck," I said to my reflection as I played with the skirt hem a bit more before turning from the mirror image.

Adjusting the blue bandana around my head like a head band I slipped on my white converse and called myself ready. I slipped out my door and shut it behind me, not really bothering to lock it. I slipped down the stairs to the back entrance into the diner.

"Morning Jayden," Ernie said to me as I entered the kitchen from the back.

"Morning," I replied happily.

I had always been a morning person. Must be the coffee. Which I was on my way to get before the day started. That and breakfast.

"Morning Jayden, ready for breakfast?" Reta asked with a smile and a coffee pot already in her hands.

"More than ever. And if it helps you can call me Jay," I replied as she filled my cup and I pulled out a cigarette.

"Sounds like a plan to me," she replied as she turned and handed in a slip to Ernie.

Reta put in my order without asking. Yeah, I already had a regular order just like everyone else. Guess that was part of the charm here. Fitting in, feeling comfortable.

"Two eggs over medium, hash browns, bacon extra crispy and english muffin as toast," Reta said happily as she placed my order in front of me as soon as it was done and steaming hot.

"Thanks," I said as I grabbed for a fork after placing my cigarette to rest in the ashtray.

After breakfast I washed up and got my notepad, ready for instructions before the morning crowd came in at five thirty.

"Okay it's real simple. Walk over with glasses of ice water, ask if they'd like coffee or anything else to drink while they figure out what they want. Bring it back to them and see if they're ready to order. We don't use any special kind of lingo for our food, you can shorthand it however you want. Just remember if you get too creative with your shorthand we might mess it up. Best to keep it straight forward. Like for two eggs over easy I just write, 2 E OE on the slip and then hang it up for Ernie. Got it?" Reta asked.

I nodded in reply. It seemed simple enough.

"As for prices don't worry about it, you can look at the menu till you get it memorized. Register is fairly straight forward. Used one before?" Reta asked.

"Yeah for a bit when I was in high school," I replied.

"Good this one is about that old so we won't have to teach you new tricks. Other than that keep a smile on your face and don't be afraid to get to know them, I have the best customers in the world," Reta beamed as she walked out behind the counter to the front door.

"Show time," she said loudly as she unlocked the door and flipped the sign so the outside read OPEN.

**-xXx-**

It was seven forty five now, and the stream of customers had been steady since doors first swung open at five thirty. Not too hectic, but busy enough that I had dropped one coffee mug and broke it, screwed up depositing an order on the right table and brought someone sweetened iced tea instead of unsweetened. I wanted to die. But the people just smiled and brushed it off, saying it was alright and waited patiently as I fixed whatever I had screwed up.

I was behind the counter tallying an order when the doorbell chimed the entrance of a new customer.

"Reta!" loud voices said in unison.

I looked up, it was the group of mystery guys from my first day in Jersey. Mr. I'm running late today was on time this time, sitting with his friends as he laughed at something. I looked back down at my notepad, double checking if I had gotten all the prices right. I had already undercharged someone today, who luckily was kind enough to tell me so I could charge them the correct amount. No one did that back home, they just left it and got away with not paying the correct amount. So I didn't want to do that again, regardless of how people reacted. I still felt dumb.

"Jay hun will you get the guys for me?" Reta asked as she walked quickly passed, carrying four heavily laden dishes.

"On it," I said happily.

I walked over and stood in the front of the five of them at the counter. The exact spot they had been sitting at since I first saw them, and then turned. I wracked my brain and then found what I was looking for. Getting everything I returned to the counter where they were.

"Milk for Bob," I said as I placed a tall glass in front of the larger one with blonde soft hair.

"Decaf for Sir Mikey," I said as I poured decaf coffee into a mug I turned over in front of the skinny one in glasses.

"Iced tea for Ray," I said as I placed a tall glass of dark liquid in front of the guy with big hair.

"Large OJ for Frankie," I said as I deposited the orange juice in front of the kid with more tattoos than anyone I'd ever met in person.

Well at least in Jersey so far.

He clapped his hands momentarily.

"And coffee for Mr. I'm running late today but this time around I'm on time," I said as I went to pour coffee for the last guy, the only one whose name I didn't "know".

I was pretty proud of myself. Till I spilled his coffee all over the place.

"Shit," I swore under my breath as it dripped off the counter and onto my small white apron.

I frantically put the pot back and went for a rag to clean up the mess before it spilled onto him or his friends. As I got back to the counter they were laughing as they sopped up the mess with now soggy napkins.

"Thanks," I said sheepishly as I took the soggy napkins and threw them out.

I returned to the counter to finish the clean up with my rag.

"No problem. I go by Gerard by the way, it's much shorter than Mr. I'm running late today, occasionally with the added, but this time around I'm on time. But whichever works for you," he said as he broke into a grin.

His smile was perfect, and for some reason it made me want my camera badly. The way his skin was pale in comparison to his dark hair and golden eyes, and the way his smile took over. I wanted it captured. In black and white he'd be stunning. I snapped back to reality when I realized I had drifted.

"I'm Ja-," I started to reply.

"Jayden. I know," he said with a smile as I refilled his coffee, properly this time.

No spilling.

"Huh? How?" I asked as I got out my pad, since my psychic abilities on their orders stopped at their drinks.

"We've seen you sitting there for the past few days, and heard Reta talking to you in the mornings," the one called Mikey explained.

"So genius over there asked Reta your name yesterday. He found calling you random girl with notebook at Reta's a bit vague," the one called Ray said as he gestured at the newly dubbed Gerard.

I smiled.

"Whichever works for you," I replied as I took their orders.

**-xXx-**

_**"First day of work has gone well so far, I've never moved so fast in my life. Reta is a goddess of diner waitresses. Note to self: coffee is hot, over easy eggs are not the same as over medium, long nicknames make for interesting conversation starters, Gerard's eyes reflect light like nothing else. Jersey's voice is speaking to me louder."** _

I looked up from my book as I jotted notes down in it from this morning. I was currently taking a break between the lunch and dinner rushes. I was sitting in the tall skinny back stairway that led to my apartment from the diner. My knees were up, my skirt tucked under to make sure I didn't flash the world, or at least Ernie, Reta or Sam the dishwasher. My journal was atop my knees resting carefully, my chewed pen was in now stuck behind my ear and a cigarette was in my hand.

"Reta needs you Jay," Sam said as he poked his head out the door and looked up at me in the stairway.

"Alright," I said as I stood up and deposited my journal in my apron along with my order pad.

I stuck my chewed loyal journal pen in there as well as I stuck my order taking pen behind my ear. I put out my cigarette in the small ashtray at the bottom of the stairs and straightened my dress before walking in through the kitchen.

**-xXx-**

"Oh my god we're closed. I don't know how you do it Reta," I exasperated as I threw my upper body across the cool counter.

"It gets easier hun, it was your first day. And a pretty perfect one at that," Reta replied.

I gave her a look.

"Better than my first day on the job ever went. And besides it will get easier as time goes on, you'll get to know regulars orders, so won't have to worry about that. You'll memorize prices. So don't worry, the next few days might be hectic but it will pass," Reta explained from behind the counter with a rag thrown over her shoulder.

"Right," I said as I sighed in weariness.

It might have only been eight o'clock but I was pooped. My feet hurt from being on them all day. I had come to the conclusion that being in converse on your feet like this was a bad idea, but all my shoes were like this. So I decided to go out and buy gel inserts before work tomorrow. And then go to bed. I was beat.

"I'm going to go get changed, buy gel inserts and then go to bed. Need me for anything else?" I asked wearily as I started to untie my apron.

"No you go ahead hun. See you tomorrow morning," she said cheerfully as I walked towards the back entrance.

"All right then, see you tomorrow. And Reta," I said and then paused.

"Yes hun?" she asked as she turned to face me.

"Thanks. For everything," I said with a smile on my face regardless of weariness.

"You're welcome," she replied.

I then made my way upstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

"Two eggs fried WITH cheese, two orders of bacon, home fries and an orange. One California omelet with extra jalapenos and sour cream, hash browns, pumpernickel toast and sausage links," I said expertly as I placed the large orders down on the table with ease.

I had been working for Reta now for almost two weeks. I had the prices down, could carry large orders with expert grace, knew some people by name, others by face, and knew a few regulars orders by heart. I was loving it here for the most part.

When I wasn't dead dog tired from work I visited the art museum with my journal and pen in hand, camera in my bag, though not to take pictures of the pieces. I had gotten a library card and used it frequently, as I was currently in the middle of three different series. Reta was one of the strongest, not to mention greatest, women I had ever met, and her husband Ernie was a dear heart. Sam was smart and witty, and like a younger brother to me. All in all it was great. I just didn't know anyone else. And I didn't know if I was finding myself or just getting comfortable in a routine. But regardless I knew myself had to be in Jersey somewhere. It _had_ to be.

"Thanks Jay," Steve said, the guy with the order of an orange with his breakfast said as I smiled.

"A pleasure Steve. Enjoy and holler if you need anything," I said as I walked back to the counter.

It was the beginning of the breakfast rush.

"Hey babe over here," a voice barked from the far corner.

No one called me babe here, no one did. I turned and looked at the guy who had hollered at me so _rudely_ , so loudly. Him and his friend looked like truckers from out of state. _Wishing him dead in his seat_. . . Plastering on a smile I walked over as I got out my order pad.

"What can I get you to start off with while figuring out your orders?" I asked pleasantly, trying not to, _kill him_ , grit my teeth at how the rude one was eyeing me.

"We'll both take high test coffees, and I'll have an order of you on the side sweet thang," the rude one said greasily.

He made my skin crawl. But I just smiled and jotted down their orders.

"Two coffees coming right up," I said pleasantly as I went to go and get the coffee.

I could feel his eyes on my ass, checking me out. My stomach turned.

I got the coffee pot after checking in on another of my customers and then walked back to his and his friend's booth, mentally making sure my skirt was pulled down as far as possible. I poured their coffee and then rested the pot on the edge of the table as I got out my order pad and flipped to their sheet.

"What can I get you?" I asked kindly.

"I'll take your down country breakfast dish," the other guys said and closed his menu.

I jotted it down and then took his menu from him, sticking it under my arm before turning to the, _disgusting_ , lewd guy.

"And you sir?" I asked cheerfully, forced as it was.

"Two scrambled eggs, no egg yolks, with swiss cheese and red peppers. An order of sausage links but only if they're pork and not some wanna be sausage like chicken. Home fries and a taste of your sweet ass," he chuckled lewdly to himself.

I simply forced a smile and turned with his order jotted down, coffee pot in hand.

"Didn't you hear me little girl? I said I wanted a taste of your sweet ass," he said a bit louder and then slapped me on the ass really hard.

He grabbed it and squeezed. It hurt.

I froze mid step from, _anger_ , shock. I didn't know what to do and it seemed as if time had slowed even though it was only a second or two. I started to turn around as he opened his mouth again.

"Did you hear me little g-" he started to ask again.

"I'm pretty sure she heard you, as did the rest of us. And we don't take kindly to people harassing one of ours around here," a cold voice said from behind me.

I turned to come face to face with Gerard who had just walked in the door with his friends, gripping the man's wrist in his fist, a severe look on his face, one that matched his tone of voice. He was being brave and sticking up for me, which I didn't know why and found highly foolish as when the trucker stood up he towered over Gerard.

"I don't think you can back your mouth up boy, as I assume that's mostly baby fat on your frame. So you might want to think before you act. You're no match for me," the lewd trucker said sternly as he tried staring Gerard down.

I gulped severely and felt myself pale and then turn a furious shade of red. Gerard wasn't letting go, if anything his grip tightened around the guys wrist and he stared him down. Well up as Gerard was shorter and smaller than the trucker. I wanted to close my eyes so as not to see the initial blood shed that was to come. Why did he have to stick up for me?

"But we are," I heard a voice say from behind me.

I opened my tightly closed eyes and turned around. Steve and Jerry, the guy who he had been sitting with, along with the rest of the male patrons had stood up from their seats and were now standing tall and menacing, staring the trucker down. Ernie had even come out from the back to glare threateningly from beside the counter, and Reta was pushing the sleeves up on her arms. They were sticking up for me!

"I suggest you pay for your coffee, leave a nice tip, and leave and don't come back to this side of Jersey ever again. Like I said, we don't take to kindly to people harassing one of ours," Gerard said flatly, his eyes were on fire.

He looked pissed, and slightly frightening regardless of size compared to the trucker.

The trucker's friend threw a twenty down onto the table and took a hold of his friend, peeling him out of Gerard's grasp and walked him out the door. The door slammed close behind him, the bell jarring harshly through the now dead silent diner.

"You alright Jay?" Frankie was the first to ask as he came up to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

It shocked me back to reality.

"Yeah, I am. Thanks Frankie. Thank you everyone," I said loud enough for everyone to hear, sounding slightly dazed still.

I glanced over at Gerard, he still looked pissed. And he wasn't looking at me, he was staring at something else menacingly. Thank god.

"I'm gonna go take a quick break for a few minutes Reta. Is that okay?" I asked, still dazed from everything.

"Yeah hun, we can handle the rest of breakfast without you. Go settle," she said kindly as she came up and gave me a hug.

"Thanks," I said against her chest.

I nodded thanks to those still standing and even those who had sat back down. Untying my apron I went to the back stairwell, climbed up six or so stairs and then sat down. I sat there staring for a bit just staring into space all shocked like. Then, then I burst out laughing. And I laughed hard. Guess it was how I dealt with shit, always had. As my laughter died so did my ability to handle everything with a smile and grace. Which is why I had come out back, so no one would see me. Sliding out a cigarette I lit it and took a drag, closing my eyes as I did so.

**-xXx-**

"Knock, knock," a voice not so angry sounding anymore said, breaking my silence.

I opened my eyes to see Gerard partially leaning on the door frame and into the small landing of the stairwell. I smiled at him.

"Come in," I said as I patted a spot on the stairs next to me.

Gerard walked in and sat on the aforementioned spot next to me, just a step down and sat quietly for a second. I got out another cigarette and handed it to him as I had seen him smoking them before.

"Thanks," he said as he took it and lit it with his own lighter.

"Welcome. And thank YOU. For that in there, I really appreciate it," I said as I ashed between my legs.

"It was no biggie. I had seen him grab your ass through the glass of the door and I snapped inside, I don't like seeing a lady treated like that. Especially one of our own," Gerard offered as a reply.

I was shocked.

"I'm not a lady Gerard, far from it. I don't know what I am, but lady I am not," I said with a small smile on my face.

"Yes you are, you have the grace and personality of a lady Jay. I, I. Sorry," Gerard finished lamely.

Hmm, he must have noticed the color staining my cheeks.

"Ah, no problem," I replied lamely.

This was awkward. Yet not. It felt reassuring for some reason to have him sitting next to me. Like we could take on the world. And to think I had only just barely met him, like just barely barely met him. No contact outside of breakfast everyday, even then half the time Reta waited on him and his friends. This all made me realize that I had no friends. That I had stayed to myself the entire time I had been in Jersey. I sat in our shared silence brooding over the fact that I knew no one, and if I was going to find myself I was going to need to have friends to help.

"What do you do after work?" Gerard asked randomly, breaking the silence and seemingly to have read my mind.

"Not much actually, I don't know anyone. I go to the public library a lot, and I'm always at the local art museum. Then other than that I walk around the city with my journal and my camera, I like to document life as it passes around me. But yeah, as you can see I don't do much. Like I said, I don't know anyone," I answered as I took another drag.

"Well you know us," Gerard added, his demeanor picking up a bit, making him sound like his regular self.

Glad the angry side of him had passed.

"Gerard, I know your guys' breakfast orders. Not you," I replied, giving him a look as I exhaled.

"True. So let's remedy that. What are you doing tomorrow after work?" Gerard asked as he ashed on the stair and then turned to look at me, resting his chin playfully on my raised knees.

"Uh, I have no idea?" I answered lamely, I really didn't.

Wow did I sound like a right loser.

"Well why don't you come hang out with all of us, we're not right bunches of wild and crazy adventures, but we know how to have a good time regardless of what we're doing," Gerard supplied happily, eyes lighting up as he asked.

His eyes really did reflect everything.

"Why not. Come by here after we close tomorrow?" I asked in response.

"Sounds like a plan," Gerard said quickly as he jumped up and tossed his spent cigarette butt into the can for it at the bottom of the steps.

I smiled at him as his hair danced in the air for a moment from the quick jerky movements and then as it landed softly around his round pale face.

"On that happy note, I'm off to eat breakfast and then, stuff. I'll see you tomorrow after eight," he said with a smile before popping back in the back door to the kitchen.

I smiled as I flicked my own spent cigarette butt into the tin from my sitting spot on the stairs.

_**"Got harassed at work. The entire population of Reta's stood up for me. Guess family runs thicker than blood here in Jersey. And guess I'm now family. Frankie's my height which is odd. Reta smells of cornbread muffins, cigarette smoke and soap. I'm going out with actual people tomorrow, let's pray for rain. The sixth step on the stairs creaks like in the movies and the wood is worn smooth from years of use. Jersey is still speaking to me, just now through it's people."** _

I closed my journal after making a mental note on some pictures I wanted to go with it and slipped it back into my apron and continued to gaze out the window on the door that led to the outside. Sighing I fiddled with my ironed blue and white checkered dress uniform, then smiled.

**-xXx-**

"Kay. Camera, check. Journal, check. Pen, check. Smokes and lighter, double check. Wallet, ch-yeah-ck. Sunglesses, fer sure. Bag is all good," I said out loud to no one.

It was after work the next day and Reta had let me get off early so I could change and get ready to go out with Gerard and the guys. She seemed all smiles and gushing about how I was growing up so fast. It made me chuckle, she was so matronly one moment while the next she was ready to roll up her sleeves and put something back in it's place. I adored her. She was part of the reason I never wanted to leave.

I had opted for comfortable clothes for the night, not really feeling the need to impress since the guys had only ever seen me in my work uniform. Which was far from stylish but fit with the old fashioned feel of the diner. And I was not about to complain. I had on a pair of loose fitting dark blue jeans that were rolled up about five or so inches from the ground and hung off my hips nicely. I pulled on a tight fitting racing back white tank top, followed by a tight fitting regular black one. Over those two I threw on a very loose and deep cut brown tank top, which was the reason for the two underneath. I slipped on some brown flip flops and grabbed my brown grey pin stripped, form fitted suit jacket for over. Next came my large dark blue scarf that I wrapped around my neck and twisted so it stayed in it's massive coils around my neck and draped over my shoulder. I picked up my shoulder length, thick red hair and twisted it into a bun and secured it with two pens.

I glanced around my apartment one last time and considered myself done. Grabbing my large, grey green and wheat colored, scoop, fabric, pouch bag I slung it over my shoulder and walked out my door, locking it behind me.

As I neared the bottom I paused to rummage my bag for a cigarette and stuck it behind my ear before going to enter the back of the kitchen. I slid the door open and walked into the diner that was empty of customers. Well empty except for the guys who were all sitting around chatting to Reta who looked to have given then a stern talking to.

"I didn't keep you waiting did I?" I asked as I approached them.

"Nope, we've only been here long enough for the scariest one sided conversation known to man kind," Frank squeaked out as he slid out of the booth and came to stand beside me.

Well stand behind me is more like it. Like I could stop Reta from doing anything.

"Alright then. You guys ready?" I asked.

"Yup. Let's blow this popsicle stand. We promise to return her in one piece Reta," Gerard said as he placed a kiss on Reta's cheek.

"We promise," he said as he went and opened the door for all of us.

I took my silver reflective aviator shades down of my head and slipped them onto my face as I smiled and waved goodbye to Reta. I knew it was eight o'clock but it was still light, and hey, I wear my sunglasses at night. Because I'm just cool like that.

Frank, as I found out his real name to be, skittered out the diner right beside me. Avoiding Reta's stern gaze.

"She freaks me out. Don't get me wrong, she's a great lady and all, one hell of a woman, but she still freaks me out from time to time. Like seriously, I thought she was going to eat me as a dessert with her coffee and use my bones to pick me out of her teeth," Frank piped up in a high small voice from beside me.

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"Hey that's not nice. I'm not laughing at you," Frank pouted.

I calmed down a bit.

"But you have nothing to laugh at me about. If you did I would suggest you do, because I'll laugh at anything at the drop of a hat," I said between laughter bits.

"Yes I do. You dress funny," Frank pouted and crossed his arms.

"True, but so do you," I replied as I brought my cigarette from behind my ear and lit it.

"Uh, fine. You wear your sunglasses at night," Frank said with a proud grin on his face as he pointed at mine.

"Got me there. Laugh away Frankie, laugh away," I said jokingly as I took a drag.

And laugh he did. Till Bob smacked him upside the head to make him stop.

"So what we doing?" I asked as we continued to walk.

"Don't know really. Just hanging out, walking the city, taking to some of our favorite spots. Just not much of anything really. We have a down night so we're taking things as they come," Gerard supplied.

I smiled and looked over at him. I really wanted to photograph him before I lost my light and had to search for artificial.

"Down night?" I asked quizzically as I tore my shade covered eyes off of Gerard's bright ones.

"We're in a BAND!!" Frank said gleefully as he jumped up and down clapping his hands wildly.

"We try to not feed him sugar," Ray said as he put a heavy hand on Frank's shoulder to stop him from moving.

"No it's fine, I kinda like it. It's refreshing," I said as I smiled again.

"See she likes me, told you I wouldn't be the one to scare her off. That Bob will do just fine on his own," Frank said haughtily.

I rolled my eyes.

As did everyone else.

"So what's your band?" I asked as I took a drag, offering a cigarette out to anyone who wanted one.

Frank and Gerard were the only ones who accepted.

"We're called My Chemical Romance. We just put out our first album type thingy, and we play some fairly killer gigs. We're going to be doing Warped Tour soon," Frank said all in one breath and then exhaled the smoke he had been holding in his lungs the entire time.

"Crack is bad," I said amusingly as I shook my head.

"I know right?" Mikey said in the same playful manner.

Gerard simply just smiled and shook his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Likey leakey?
> 
> Look, she finally has friends!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

"Okay just don't pay attention to me," I said as I waved my hands around.

I had been with the guys an hour and the light was just starting to fade completely and I wanted my shots to document this. We had gone to Frankie's favorite pizza place because they made pizza's he could eat, vegetarian ones, and I had snapped a killer shot of Frankie licking the giant glass store front window of the place. God knows what was on that glass, but it didn't matter for Frankie had no idea I was going to snap the shot, so it turned out perfectly. I switched back and forth between black and white and color as I took my shots. Depending on the mood or the lighting.

We were now in a park of some sort, there was a jazz band playing on a small concrete round music stage with a few people gathered. There were loud kids running away from parents, there were older gentlemen playing chess on stone benches as their wives talked amongst themselves, and there was us. I couldn't NOT take photos, it was too perfect.

"But, but, but... you have a **CAMERA**. How are we not going to know you're there and not pose?" Frankie and Mikey both whined.

Mikey had opened up a bit and proved to be more like Frankie then he probably thought. But then an outsider saw more than those on the inside.

I snapped a shot of Gerard just standing with his hands in his pockets, his head cocked to the side as he listened to the jazz band play. I took a step and zoomed in as much as possible for the second shot. His eyes seemed to be lost in the music yet highly focused and the failing light glinted off them perfectly and made his pale skin shine. I took the shot and sighed. I had got the shot I wanted.

I turned around and took a shot of Bob looking over the shoulders of some oder gentlemen playing chess, and their wives checking out his backside as he did so. Smiling and whispering as they did, maybe sometimes we don't really ever grow up on the inside. Sighing I went about snapping other shots.

I got one of Frank sitting down on the grass peacefully, knees drawn up and arms wrapped tightly around them, just staring off and being silent. I got one of Mikey sitting on a bench making silly faces at two little girls around the age of six who were sitting on the far end from him, laughing and smiling at him. I even got one of Ray skipping stones serenely on the pond with Frank beside him jumping cheerfully in the air. People don't realize how much they tell the world through a camera shot when they're not looking and posing. You're captured being yourself and don't even know it.

It's how I speak to people, and to the world. Through my photos.

"You know you're quite good at that," a voice said from beside me, startling me and causing me to lose my shot.

I whirled around and glared.

"Only when I'm not being distracted by loud wanna be band rock star thingy's," I muttered lamely as I had no come back prepared.

"Wow that was lame. And I'm not just a loud wanna be band rock star thingy. I happen to be the lead singer and song writer," Gerard said as he spun around to my other side.

"Ahh, so you've got the biggest ego of them all," I said teasingly as I turned to face him and snapped a quick shot of him.

"Not really. See how you take this camera," he said as he swiped my camera from my hands.

I scoffed and furrowed my brow at him.

"You take your camera and snap pictures of unsuspecting moments in life. Like this," he said as he quickly snapped a shot of my face.

I smiled a bit.

"You take these shots of time stood still and you tell a story through still frame. You speak about life with every snap-," he said as he quickly spun and took another unsuspecting shot of me.

"Of the camera lens. You taste the moment on your skin, feel the moment on your tongue and capture it on film. Each three by five-," he said as he snapped a random shot that couldn't have held my whole profile.

My profile which was laughing slightly.

"You make your own, you tell a story with. A story you may or may not convey to others. I do the same thing. Just in a different way. I use my voice, my love of musical notes, the melodies I see painted before my eyes in bright vibrant hues and octaves. I write how I see things down on paper and turn them into pieces of audible artwork. Just like you do with your camera," Gerard explained as he stepped closer to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me close to him and then raising the camera and snapping a photo.

"Every time you walk out your door," he finished as he handed my camera back to me.

"Wow," was all I managed to say.

"See we're not so much different you and I, we just use different mediums," Gerard said with a smile.

I was still shocked. His words though based in simple every day dialogue rang in my ears like a perfect sonnet. His words held a grace to them. I could listen to him speak for the rest of time, starting from that moment on. His words held me entranced, and this was only regular conversation. Mostly.

I shook my head and came back down to earth.

"I write too, but not like lyrically or even poetry like. More like moments in time, bits that make sense to me at the time. I use them to document my pictures and vice versa. Sometimes I look to get a certain shot to go with whatever I've written that day or moment. But not like you," I said as I slid my camera into my suit jacket pocket as it hung open on my body.

"Like what? Or do you not share?" Gerard asked carefully.

"No I can share some, not all, but some I can," I said as I opened my cloth bag and dug for my journal.

Finding the journal that was starting to look well worn, with it's dirty black cover and coffee ring stained pages I cracked it open and flipped through the pages. Biting my lip as I looked for something that would purvey what I was trying to tell him. Finally I found a passage and read it out loud, planning on explaining the shots I would attach to it.

"Here's a blurb I wrote the other day. _**Frankie's my height which is odd. Reta smells of cornbread muffins, cigarette smoke and soap. I'm going out with actual people tomorrow, let's pray for rain. The sixth step on the stairs creaks like in the movies and the wood is worn smooth from years of use**_ ," I said out loud and then closed my book.

Gerard just looked at me with a look on his face that I couldn't place.

"With it I'm going to tag a photo of Reta scrubbing the diner's counter tops, a smile haunting her lips. I took it a few days ago, it's in black and white and speaks to me about her character. And then I want to take a picture of the step, it catches great light right after the lunch rush, right before the dinner one, when I'm taking a break out there. It's really amazing how the light reflects off the worn stain, and I'm babbling sorry," I said when I noticed Gerard's blank look.

"No, no you weren't. I just got caught up in what you were saying, it painted an image in my mind. Hence the probable blank look on my face," Gerard said apologetically as he shook his head as if shaking himself out of a daze.

"I understand, I got like then when you were talking," I said, smiling out of the corner of my mouth.

"See, one more thing in common. Come with me a second?" Gerard asked all of a sudden, his smirk, that I was coming to understand was a part of who he was, played across his face.

"Sure?" I replied.

He nodded his head at me and grabbed me gently right above my elbow.

"Hey guys hold for a few I'm taking Jay somewhere for a second or two," Gerard called out to everyone.

"Okay," Bob shouted back as he watched Frank and Ray in a slap fest that Mikey seemed to be egging on from the side lines.

"Don't scare her off Gee, that's Bob's job," Mikey yelled back as he quickly ran into the tangle that was Ray and Frankie's fighting bodies and pinched Frankie's thigh, earning the park a loud yelp.

"The friend's I keep and the siblings I claim as blood," Gerard said as he directed me away from the squealing mass that was the guys.

"They're not all that bad, I like them. And what do you mean siblings? Is one of them your brother or something?" I asked as I followed his lead away from the crowds to where it was slightly darker.

I wasn't afraid of being alone with Gerard, like I said before, with him next to me I felt like we could take on the world. I did though lift my sunglass off my head and stuck them into my bag since it was dark enough that they weren't going back on my face. At least not as long as we stayed outdoors.

"Uh yeah, you didn't see it? Mikey and I are brothers, me being the oldest. Most people either get it right off the bat or don't and take forever to convince," Gerard said nonchalantly as he shrugged his shoulders.

He still had a light hold on my arm right above my elbow as we started to ascend up a slight hill.

"Well at first I didn't see it, but now that you mention it the two of you have strikingly identical facial features. The spacing is similar enough that anyone should be able to see the artistic tie of siblings between the two of you. No two people are carved alike, but siblings share the same artisan and chisel working on their forms, just different mediums," I said as I followed up the now slightly steeper hill.

I was not built for steep climbing, regardless of my smaller frame, I still smoked like a chimney. My lungs were dead gone, I could do long FLAT distances, but not severely up hill.

"Wow, I never thought of it like that. But now that you paint it like that I understand more. Reminds me of my art professors going on about," Gerard started to explain but I cut him off.

"Art professors? Like in college?" I asked suddenly.

"Yeah I wasn't born with the notion of being a rock star, I went to college to be an artist first. I still dabble in it, but music is my main focus," Gerard explained as if it was nothing.

"Wow, that's amazing, simply amazing. I'd love to see something you've done some time. That is if it's not personal I mean," I said as we reached the top.

"No it seems only fair as you've given me a look at the art you create, and that's highly personal as well," Gerard said as he let go of my arm and walked to the middle of the top.

"I wouldn't call it art, but yeah," I added lamely.

"Didn't you hear anything I was saying earlier down there?" Gerard asked as he pointed out to where we must have come from.

I looked at him quizzically.

"You create your own art, the images you capture, while I may have not seen them I still know what you were trying to capture. I watched as you chose your shot. You capture things people don't always see because they are too cluttered in the day to day. You capture sides of people they don't even know they have, you capture life unsuspecting. And you speak it in your short writings. You see the world differently," Gerard said as he held his hand out for me to join him in the middle.

I already said this was sounding like a bad paper back novel some days ago.

I took his hand and stood beside him, looking out at the black that encased the city, with its bright neon lights breaking through like stars in the night. It was beautiful. And almost quiet, the city sounds were still there, but muted, and blended somehow.

"Why are we here? What did you want to show me?" I asked, disregarding what he had said about me.

"Hear that?" he asked quietly.

"What?" I asked, confused as to what I was listening for.

I could hear everything I heard before.

"Shhh, listen. That's Jersey's voice singing her song to those who will listen," he said softly and then turned to look out at the vastness that stretched before us.

**-xXx-**

That night after all the antics were done and over with for the evening, and I had promised many more nights out, and many band show attendances I sat in my apartment and brought out my journal and camera. I downloaded the pictures I had taken that night and looked for the ones from the park, the initial ones. Pausing at them I numbered them P1 through P6 and then went to my journal.

_**"I saw the city in a different light and found art embodied in music, in the words of another. I've have started to find myself in this city of many people. I shared a bit of me to others and was given barter back. I've found I am an artist in my own right. I breathe life into still frames and paint them with jumbled thoughts and shed light on peoples other sides. Ray can't skip stones and Frankie can be silent. Little girls still crush on older boys and old ladies still fawn over the young ones. Jersey spoke to me and Gerard opened my ears to its silent hum. Note: pictures P1-6."** _

I smiled as I closed my book. Today had been a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my favorite parts hahaha!  
> And hey look, there where my title came from!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

I hummed softly to myself, my iPod ear buds in my ears filling my step with bounce and rhythm, it was Saturday, my day off and I was out about the city alone. It had been a week since my first outing with the guys and there had been two others in that short span of time. I found myself enjoying their company and how they seemed to grow on you whether you liked it or not.

Frankie had a special place in my heart with his antics, and I loved how Bob instigated everything even though he didn't seem the type. I was fond of Ray, and Mikey was almost like my brother from another mother. And Gerard, well Gerard was perplexing and I had yet to figure him out to me. He was an anomaly, an enigma to me, we spoke a similar language he said, but I was always at a loss when he opened his mouth and spoke. I don't know how I felt about Gerard as a whole, as a person, but I was falling in love with his words.

I was currently window shopping with no particular goal in mind except to at some point end up at the museum for a bit. I smiled at the passers by who bumped my shoulders and shared concrete with me as I meandered. I liked walking about aimlessly, it made me feel like I had purpose, which is a massive contradiction. But then again so was I as I was beginning to find out.

I took a drag from my nearly finished cigarette and looked in the large plate glass windows I was passing. As I continued to walk passed I stopped dead in my tracks and backtracked a few steps and peered in again. Inside woman and girls were sitting around in chairs with various looking torture devices implemented on their heads. Refocusing my eyes so that I was staring at my own reflection in the glass I lifted a hand to my longish plain red hair and ran my fingers through it, undoing my partial up do with pens. How I always wore my hair since the beginning of college, which I realized wasn't me anymore. Staring at my reflection and making a face I then smiled and stored my hair pens in my cloth bag and then walked into the salon, sending the door bell chiming.

"I need to find the new me in my hair. Help," I said to the funky woman behind the desk who had stars tattooed around her eyes.

"Gladly. Let's go find you in there," she said with a sparkle in her eyes as she eyed my mass of hair as she pointed at it.

**-xXx-**

"Alright let's see what you think of the new you," Star, the stylist was properly named I felt, said as she turned my chair around.

I glanced at the person looking back at me in the large mirror and had to do a double take to make sure it was me. She had cut a large part of my length right off, and had thinned it down considerably. It was now much shorter in the back than the pieces in the front, which themselves only reached my chin. It angled sharply, like severely, from the front to the back, but I liked it. She had brightened my already natural bright shade of red, making it now pop like fire. Then she had added large chunks of WHITE blonde and then bits of bright yellow and small streaks of orange. My head looked like it was on fire. And I loved it, it was me. It felt right, I felt right in my skin suddenly, something I hadn't realized I didn't before. I smiled.

"I love it," I said as I beamed Star a glowing smile.

I got up as she took off the salon apron and went to get my bag from the chair beside me. As I leaned to grab it the sleeve of my tattered linen, pale blue, lavender and white checkered button up shirt caught my eyes. I stood up straight and looked down at my outfit, my loose fitting, full of holes fav shirt was hanging off me, only partially buttoned with the sleeves rolled up. Underneath I had on a white wife beater and for pants I had on very pale worn out loose fitting carpenter jeans with massive frayed holed in the knees. Holding them barely on I had a well loved and worn looking brown leather belt and then then thick brown flip flops. It's not that I disliked my outfit, because that wasn't the case, it was very much me. It's just that it didn't fit my new hair that Star had styled and straightened and then ruffled to give it that poof, just roll out of bed look.

I made a face as I stood up and turned to face Star at the desk to pay.

"What? Don't like it?" Star asked worriedly as she took my cash.

"Oh no, the hair is perfect. It's," I said and then opened up my arms to show off my attire.

"Ahh, got it. Here," she said as she bent down and then threw something black and soft at me.

Confused I opened it up to see what it was. It was a black hoodie, but not just any black hoodie. It was one of one of my favorite bands, The Cure. I looked up at her with my mouth agape.

"Take off your outer shirt and slip that on. It'll make you match your hair a bit more then now," she said with a smile on her face.

"I can't take this, it's a Cure hoodie. And _your_ hoodie place in fact, I can't," I stumbled.

"Nah just take it, it'll look good on you and I can always get another at some point," she said waving it off with her hand like it was a bothersome fly.

I turned the hoodie around in my hands to get a better look at it. There were a few buttons and patches on it. I couldn't take this.

"I," I started to say but was silenced with the cut of her hand through the air.

"Shush. I have spoken. Now put it on and go get yourself something new to go with the new you do. Wow, that even sounded weird to say," she said as she cracked a lopsided smile and then glared at me till I started unbuttoning my top shirt.

Sliding it off I rolled up my shirt and stuffed it into my large cloth bag and then slipped on the hoodie, which fit like a leather glove, and zipped it up partially, allowing some of my beater underneath to peak through.

"Tada! Perfection. Now there's this great shop about three blocks down, it's got killer threads and way killer prices that won't break the bank. It's called Waste of Breath. You can't miss it, tell em Star sent ya," Star said as she went to answer the phone that just started ringing.

I nodded my head in understanding and thanks and then waved and made my way out the door, Star gave me an enthusiastic thumbs up and then I exited the salon. Outside I paused and lit a cigarette before looking into the salon window one last time. Star was sitting on the top of the desk, legs swinging back and forth off the edge, with a planner in her lap and twirling a pen between her fingers. Taking out my camera I set a shot, messing with the focus so as to get the salon's name on the window in the shot and clicked.

Walking a block I found a park bench real quick and sat down and got out my journal. Opening it I lit another cigarette and picked up my pen.

_**"Lost my hair and found part of an identity. I sport fire for tresses and Pictures of You warms my body. I saw an old lady sporting purple streaks in her curls and someone literally gave me the shirt off their back. Jersey's voice is speaking to me in colors."** _

Smiling I clicked my pen closed and closed my book and proceeded to put it all away before getting up and making my way to this store. I had been working for Reta for over three weeks and since she refused to take money from me for rent I had enough money that I could splurge on something new for my body besides my hair.

"Can I help you?" a woman asked from behind me.

I had arrived at Waste of Breath and fell in love with it even before I walked through it's doors. Now see, I don't really have a certain style, I just wear what works for me at the current moment, hence my outfit today. I was fairly laid back most of the time and hated having to put too much effort into my attire, I found it a waste of time.

I had been carousing the racks of clothing and accessories for about five or so minutes at this point before the voice came behind me. I turned and smiled at the outrageously clad, pierced and tattooed sales person.

"Oh I hope so, Star sent me down, saying this was the best place to buy threads. So here I am," I said shrugging my shoulders with a smile.

"Makes sense, I thought I recognized Star's touch on your hair. Not to mention the Cure hoodie," the woman said teasingly as she pointed at my new piece of attire.

"Yeah I just came from her. She literally gave me this off her back for the most part, and she did literally throw it at me. Think she'll take it back? I mean I can't keep this," I said, hoping the lady would have something useful on the subject.

"Hun the hoodie's yours now, it's just how we are in this community. To give it back would add insult to injury. I'm guessing you're not use to this where you come from? And besides, don't you like the Cure?" the lady asked.

"Oh of course I do, they're one of my favorite all time bands. I guess I'm just not use to people literally giving you the shirt off their backs," I said, finding I liked the vibes coming of the sales lady as she grinned at me.

"Well you're going to have to get use to it here, this part of Jersey we tend to look out for our own, to look out for those like us. And Star is just that way naturally ten fold. So what are looking for exactly?" she asked as she as she placed her hand on a rack to the side of us.

"I'm looking for, well I'm searching for myself and I'm hoping to find it in Jersey. And so far, so good," I said as I fluffed my hair dramatically.

"Well if that's the case then you've come to the right place. Let's cruise shall we?" she said as she took my elbow and lead me deeper into the retail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love this story.
> 
> I write a lot based on my own life, the people I meet, the things I go through.  
> Makes writing better for me.
> 
> This chapter is to show that good people do really still exist in this world!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

"I can't see over the pile," I said, my words muffled by the pile of clothing in my arms that was currently blocking my line of sight.

"Just let me lead you to the dressing room, you won't hit anything," Sheela said, the sales person.

"Oomph," I groaned.

"Oops, well except for that. My bad. Here ya go, come out and show me the pieces as you get them on," Sheela said as I heard her close the changing room curtain behind me.

Dropping my overly large pile I groaned as I looked at it all, I wasn't much of a shopper really so this was like unwanted homework. I never really had friends who took me shopping growing up or in college so it seemed like a chore. Then as I picked up a shirt I saw the tag, it read six dollars, which was not bad, but it was going to add up.

Sliding off my newly acquired Cure hoodie and old white beater I threw them on a chair that was in the room and slid the t-shirt over my head. It was a pale green with a picture of a dog on it with x's for eyes and underneath it said "Chinese take out". It made me smile. Shirt straightened I pulled aside the curtain and stepped out.

"Ta-da!" I said half heartedly as I posed for Sheela.

"Shirt looks killer but if you don't put on multiple pieces at a time you'll never get everything tried on by the time Christmas rolls around. You don't shop much do you?" Sheela asked playfully, an eyebrow raised in question.

"No," I sighed down heartedly.

"Well here is a good place to learn. Now, GO. Put on more clothes, then come out and do your little dance on the catwalk. Now, SCOOT!" Sheela said as she ushered me into the cloth draped room.

Chuckling to myself I walked in and started slipping off the shirt.

"Jay what size bra do you wear?" Sheelas voice came in over the curtain.

"34 C. Why?" I asked back as I was rummaging through the piles of clothing.

"Here," I heard shouted and then was hit in the head by a flying object that had been thrown over the top of the curtain.

Picking it up I looked at it and smiled. It was a black bra that was cut straight across and had little white skull and cross bones on the fabric. Atop the straight cut line of the cups was bright blue lace, the strap were thin rolled strips of the same skull and cross bones material. It was cute. I liked it and threw it onto my stuff, knowing I was going to get it.

I pulled on a tank top that was styled similar to a beater but was of thicker material and went down over my ass quite a bit, instead of ending at my hips. It was white and had a black spray painted, graffiti style skull and cross bones on the lower corner. I was guessing this was theme, not that I minded, I had a skull and cross bones tattooed on my shoulder blade.

Next I slipped on some black leggings and a jean skirt that came mid thigh, I pulled the shirt over it, pulling it to its almost full length. Taking Sheela's advice I grabbed the short-ish leather jacket Sheela had seen me eyeing and had thrown into the pile. It came to just above my waist, and while the sleeves were not 3/4 length they did stop shorter than my wrist. It had a small band collar at the top and the leather smelled good as I pet its shiny outer layer.

I grabbed the black and white kaffiyeh I picked out since my old one had gone to some homeless guy in Indiana since he had been cold. I tied it loosely around my neck, letting drape on my shoulder I decided to go barefoot since my brown flip flops would kill the outfit. I pushed aside the curtain stepped out with more enthusiasm this time.

"Ta freaking da!" I said loudly as I struck a funny model pose.

"Oh bravo, **BRA** -fucking- **VO**! You're walking out this store with that on today, whether you like it or not," Sheela said as she clapped her hands together excitedly.

"I think I might be able to handle that," I replied and then turned a bit for dramatization and then went back into the room.

"What size shoe do you wear Jay?" I heard Sheela asked from the outside.

"Promise to not chuck them over the top and hit me in the head with them?" I asked, a laugh in my voice.

"Cross my rock star wanna be heart," Sheela joked.

"Size 7 and a half," I said loudly.

I didn't know if I needed more shoes as I more than likely had a pair to go with this in my closet in my apartment, but I wasn't going to spoil Sheela's fun. She was having fun playing dress up with her very own life size doll. And I didn't want to disappoint her right yet with the fact that I was not going to be able to buy nearly half of this. I didnt like spending carelessly. And if I did decide that Jersey wasn't for me then I was going to need cash to help me make my way to where ever was for me.

Sighing I shrugged off the current outfit and and grabbed for the next.

**-xXx-**

"Dear god," I exclaimed as I dropped everything I had tried on down on the counter with sigh.

"And too think most of all of it looked good on you. Dusty mustard yellow as we've found out is _NOT_ your color, nor is split pea soup green. Though how those are _ANYONE'S_ colors is beyond me, but I carry them anyway," Sheela said as she started sifting through my items.

"Okay now to pick what I am going to buy, I have to keep my budget under wraps," I said as I started picking through the items.

"Nah," Sheela said as she smacked my hand away.

"Go outside, smoke, do something, come back in five and I'll have you set and ready to go," she said as she shooed me away.

I shrugged my shoulders and then made my way outside with my bag slung on my shoulder. Outside I slipped my silver reflective aviators down onto my face to protect my eyes from the glare of the sun and grabbed a spot to sit on a bench. Grabbing and lighting a cigarette I made for my journal.

**_"Jersey. Odd names are as common as the Sunday newspaper. Retailers share business, lunch and contacts. Everyone knows everyone for the most part. I look horrible in dusty mustard yellow, but all right in baby blue. I think the sun reflects brighter now because of my hair. Like recognizes like."_ **

I shut my book and slipped it back into my purse that was starting to bulge since it was carrying my button up shirt from earlier. I smiled and stuck my one free hand into one of the hoodie pockets and leaned back to watch the city unfold in front of my shaded eyes.

After a second cigarette and a people watching mega session I got up to walk back inside. In the doors I lifted my shades onto my head and readjusted to the diffused light. As I got to the counter my eyes bulged in shock.

"Sheela, that's, that's like _EVERYTHING_ I tried on," I exclaimed as I saw the pile of black, white and bright green printed paper bags.

Beside them all was the full outfit I had first tried on, the one she had said I was walking out the door with on my body. I gulped.

"I know right? Cool huh, and I even added a silver studded belt and a mini chain and a spike bracelet. Gotta have the killer accessories. And while you may own them already, new ones always seem special," Sheela said gleefully.

"I, uh. What? Sheela how much does this total to?" I asked, still in shock.

"Oh don't worry, it only comes to sixty four dollars and seventy two cents. Which is random, but that's tax for ya," Sheela said happily as she looked down at the registers price display.

" ** _WHAT?_** How on earth did it only total that? Do you know how many items are in those bags?" I asked loudly, my voice cracking a bit.

"Tisk, tisk Jay. I'm not stupid, I rang up, folded and placed each and everyone of those items in the bags. Of course I know how many there are," she said as she leaned her elbows on the counter and rested her chin on her hands while smiling gleefully at me.

"But, but, how?" I asked.

"Simple, I sell shit cheap here for one. Two, you spent over fifty dollars which gets an automatic discount. And then Star sent you, which she rarely uses that power, and that means she sent you with her discount as well," Sheela explained as if it was nothing as she straightened up to a standing position.

"But, why?" I asked as I handed over cash, which oddly enough was less than one weeks worth of pay working for Reta.

"Because one, Star and I are best friends, have been since we were little. And well we know one another pretty well. I ran away from Jersey to find myself in the world, and didn't. I finally came back here, to Jersey, knowing it was here all along. So I guess she saw some of that in you and I do too. Like recognizes like, and with that comes a certain amount of help," she said as she handed me back my change and an empty Waste of Breath bag.

"I don't really know what to say, other than a lame thank you," I said sheepishly, I really felt inadequate with my words at the moment.

"A thank you is all I need. That and that at some point you return the favor to someone else who looks to be in the same shoes you've worn. Possibly grabbing a coffee sometime as well," she said as simply.

I just nodded my head yes and then stared down at the empty bag in my hands. Questioningly I raised it up.

"For the clothes you have on now. I told you you were walking out in this outfit whether you liked it or not," she said as she pushed said outfit forward and placed hot pink ballet flats on top along with a single row spiked bracelet, two large chunky hot pink and yellow bracelets and some silver bangles.

Guess she was serious. Smiling I took the items and went to go change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a form of pay it forward?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

I had stopped by the apartment to drop off all my newly acquired items and to switch my purse items into my other bag that was similar to my green and wheat one, but only in all black. Items switched I plugged my iPod back into my ears and made my way to the art museum.

I smiled at the lady behind the counter who had come to know me by face and name at this point, and she had to do a double take before realizing who I was. I even confused the guard when I flashed my pass to him while he was standing at the turnstile. It made me smile a bit that people had to do a double take to figure out I was me. I didn't want to be a stranger, but I wanted to find out what I actually looked like when I was sure of who I was, and this was it.

I had figured it a good idea to go and buy a pass back when I realized I would be coming here a lot. Sticking my pass back in my purse I bee lined it straight for where I was last time I was here. Climbing the massive grand stairs I turned three corners and walked down five hallways till I came to my last roosting spot. Sitting down on the stone bench in the room I crossed my legs under me and got out my notebook for sketching. Flipping to the last spot I got out my two pencils and one pen and got to work.

About almost an hour later I felt that craving for a cigarette hit me and uncurled my body from its crumpled position. Stretching my legs I sat back down to quickly finish the last bit of shading I felt was necessary and then packed it all up and made my way to the smoking area. It was great, they had a garden park area on the side you go out in, and you could smoke it, so you didn't have to walk all the way to the front entrance. That was quite a hike.

Outside I slipped my silver reflective aviators back down onto my face and strolled about the grounds as I smoked, giving my body its much needed nicotine. After about my second one I decided my lungs were damaged enough to go back inside to finish. As I walked towards the door into the museum I heard a familiar voice nearby, sounding like they were on the phone.

"No I told you guys that I was going out. No, same place I always go before hand, you know the routine. I'll be back in time for everything tonight. Later," the voice said from around the corner.

I got brave all of a sudden, don't ask me why, I just did.

Scrunching down I leapt around the corner like a little kid playing at being a monster, hands up in fierce claw positions.

"Rawr!" I yelled loudly.

Well not too loudly as because of where we were, but loud enough.

Loud enough that I apparently scared the bee jesus out of him. He nearly levitated off the ground, and I watched him jump out of his skin almost physically.

"Ahhh!" Gerard yelled as he dropped the stuff he had been carrying.

"Didn't mean to scare you that bad Gerard," I teased as I bent down to help him pick up his items.

I stole a quick glance at what I was picking up and felt my face form into one of shock, but only momentarily. They were sketches, drawings, quick doodles and not all from inside the museum, but enough were. He was here doing the same thing I was.

"Uh, I'm sorry. Who are you?" Gerard asked confused as he hastily took the items from me, as if he didnt want me to get a look at them.

"Gerard it's me. Jay," I said laughing as I took my aviators off my face and up onto the poof mess that was my new stylized hair of fire.

"Jay? Oh my god. You changed!" Gerard said loudly, sounding shocked.

"Yes Gerard, I don't wear the same clothes everyday. I do change often actually. Shock and horror I know, but hey I'm only human," I teased, knowing full well what he meant.

"No, I meant you changed changed. Like everything. I had no idea who you were. You look completely different, like to the extreme. And I'm babbling I'm sorry," Gerard ended lamely.

I couldn't help but break into a chuckle at his reaction. Here was the man whose words I felt myself falling for, who spoke like music played, here he was rambling and babbling. It was a hoot.

"It's all right. I just got it done today, new hair, almost new wardrobe and onto finding out the new me. You like?" I asked as I dramatically did a half turn and poofed my hair while looking over my shoulder and making a fish face.

It was Gerard's turn to chuckle out loud. I guess I was really living it up.

"I think you look gorgeous, like the collision of stars in the sky. I swear I feel warmer just standing this close to your hair," Gerard said as wound a piece of my hair quickly around a finger and then let go as quickly as he had wound it.

"I know, it reminds me of fire. It reminds me of what I've been finding out about myself so far on this journey, and more so in Jersey," I said as I smiled at him.

"And what is that?" Gerard asked softly.

I could of sworn he moved closer to me.

I opened my mouth to tell him, which was odd the idea of sharing my self discovery with another. But then his cell phone cut me off and I just smirked.

"You'll have to learn when everyone else does," I said as I turned to walk back inside to finish drawing and let him talk on the phone in private.

"Hold on wait for me, this will only take a second," Gerard called out, his hand reaching out for my arm and falling short by like eight inches.

I nodded my head yes and got out another cigarette while I waited in the interim.

"Hey babe. Yeah no I'm out. Yeah it's at eight o'clock. Okay, I'll see there then hun. Love you too," Gerard said and then closed his cell phone and slipped it into his pocket.

"You know it'll go quicker if we share," Gerard said motioning to the cigarette hanging between my fingers and on my way to my lips.

"Hmm, and what makes you think I wanna share a smoke with you. I don't want icky poo picky Gerard cooties," I teased as I brought the cigarette back down and exhaled in his face smirking.

"Un huh, just give me the damn thing," Gerard said as he snatched the cigarette from my fingers.

"So how's Sharon?" I asked, referring to the phone conversation he had just had on the phone.

I had found out about Gerard's girlfriend on our second hanging out with everyone. She sounded like a really nice girl, a bit like I use to be personality wise even. I had yet to meet her, but didn't think that would come to pass soon if ever. I was still trying to figure out my friend standings with the rest of the guys, I didn't need to add in the girlfriends as well. Even though there was only one out of the whole group dating. Which made no sense to me as all of them were highly attractive and witty and even down right silly. But oh well.

"She's good. Just wondering where I was. Just like everyone else," Gerard said as he handed back the cigarette.

"That's good to hear, she sounds like a good girl. Doesn't anyone know where you are right now?" I asked as I took a drag, he was right of course it was going quicker with us sharing.

Stupid boys and their rational logic.

"Nope. I keep me going here, not so much a secret, but more like me time. Alone time. No one knows I come here. And now that you know I come here I will have to kill you to keep it secret," Gerard warned jokingly as he tried to look gruff and menacing.

I just laughed out loud. Fairly hard actually, his face was priceless and his eyebrows were twitching all over the place some fierce. I laughed so hard in fact that I snorted.

"Ahh, a snorter! You snorted," Gerard said all shocked sounding as he pointed at my face dramatically.

"No I didn't," I denied.

"Oh yes you did," Gerard insisted as he took a quick drag before handing back to me to finish.

"You're simply delirious Mr. Way," I joked as I took the last drag and then flicked into the smokers bin filled with sand.

"One, not delirious at least not right now as I am sober. Two, I am not Mr. Way that is my father. And THREE, you so way did. You can't deny it, I heard it. There are witnesses," Gerard said as he pointed around at the people meandering around outside near us.

"Fine, how about a truce and a deal?" I asked, crossing my arms across my chest and holding them tight as I realized that my arms were slipping due to the leather of my jacket.

"As long as you dont ask for sexual favors from my brother I'm good with it," Gerard said as he mimicked my pose.

"Damnit Gerard! Go and ruin everything why don't you! God!" I exclaimed loudly as I threw my arms up into the air for effect.

"WHAT!? You like my brother?" Gerard asked, his voice almost cracking as he did so.

"Baahahah ahhah!! Gerard, no! Dear god no. Chill, it was a joke," I said as I tried to not laugh in his face.

"Oh yeah. My bad. Moving back on track here, what are the terms and conditions for our little truce and deal?" Gerard asked as he gathered himself back together.

"I say you don't tell anyone I snorted and I wont pass it on that you were here. Sound good to you?" I asked, holding out my hand for the hand shake to seal the deal.

"Sounds good," Gerard said as he took my hand in his own an shook it.

And then he didn't let it go. We just stood there for a moment, in silence and as I was about to open my mouth to say something he beat me to it.

"You going back inside?" he asked suddenly.

"That would be an affirmative," I said smiling, his hand still holding mine.

"Good, let's go doodle and pretend we're great artists together," he said as he beamed me a huge grin and finally let go of my hand.

Only to stick his arm out for me to link with.

"I say it's the best idea I've heard all day," I said smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when you get a new "skin" and decide to try it out!!!
> 
> And also that this takes places YEARS ago!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

Gerard and I spent the next little over an hour moseying about the museum together. We spent time discussing our view points on certain pieces, be they modern or by one of the older classics. When we weren't discussing brush stroke technique and visual style differences we were sketching whatever had caught our eye momentarily.

Currently we were doing just that in fact. I was seated on the floor hunched over my sketchbook in front of a piece from around the turn of the century. It had gorgeous light contrasts and I was trying my best to capture it again with my pen, as I had moved away from my pencils. My tongue was pursed between my lips and teeth as I concentrated.

I wasn't much of an actual artist, and I looked at most things from a photographer point of view almost. But I still understood art and the techniques, I just wasnt any good. Didn't deter me from sketching though, even if it was only parts of paintings or sculptures, or whatever, that caught my eye and not the whole piece.

Last I had checked Gerard was somewhere down the hall a bit, sitting cross legged on a bench like I had been earlier. His bent form huddled over his furiously moving sketch hand mirrored my own, except that my art wasn't half the quality his were.

I still didn't know how to ask him about showing me his pieces. I remembered that our first time hanging out he had promised he would, but I didn't know if that pertained to these or not. Because from what I saw he was a genius with his hands and a art device. If that was any indication of what his artistic skills were like, it made me wonder what his singing and song writing was like. He might seem to always be off somewhere else in his mind when he's standing right in front of you, and he might lose his smile when he thinks no one is looking, but his lyrics and voice had to be more beautiful just because of that. For all the best artists in any medium were always tortured on the inside somehow.

I had even snagged photos of him, using my zoom to make up for the distance between us without having it be obvious I was taking his photo. He seemed to be my new favorite subject. I hadn't needed the flash because of the glorious lighting the museum sported anyway. Which was awesome since he had no idea I had taken any shots so he was completely absorbed in what he was doing for the frames. I had taken one in color and one black and white. He was designed for black and white photos, something about the air about him and his demeanor spoke to the shades in a colorless photo. He seemed to almost glow in the absence of the spectrum.

I looked up from my page and gazed over at him. He had moved to a closer bench and now his hand was moving slowly and carefully across the page. Whatever he seemed to be drawing he seemed to be taking a lot of care in doing it, each stroke of the pencil seemed to be measured and careful, like he was in love with each one. I smiled and then smiled even more when he looked up at me as I was watching him, my own work forgotten.

He grinned back and then stuck a sheet of protective paper over his current drawing and then closed his book. Holding it in his hand and placing his pencil in his back pocket as he stood up he made his way over to me.

"Let's go grab some food. My tummy is rumbly and my ass hurts from sitting on museum benches for hours," he said as he extended a hand down for me to grab.

"Sounds like a plan," I said as I took his hand and pulled myself up.

I stuck my book back in my never ending, bottomless pit of a bag along with my pen and pencils.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand," I said once all my odds were stored in their proper places.

"I know this great little place we can go to since I'm guessing you dont want to go to Reta's," Gerard said as he and I walked past the main desk and smiled our goodbyes to the lady behind it at the computer.

"Sounds good to me, I don't care either way. If not going to Reta's will throw your plans out of whack then by all means let's go there," I said as we exited the giant front doors.

"It's usually the place I go beforehand, like a tradition. But I think it's okay to break traditions, especially when there is the potential of building new ones," Gerard said we steered me to the left once we got to the bottom of the stone front steps of the museum entrance.

"Sounds good to me. And what is this beforehand stuff?" I asked confused.

"All in due time, all in due time. Now we find place of nourishment, place where people will bring things that will make my stomach detach itself from my spine," Gerard said as he ushered me quickly down the street.

I laughed a bit and let him lead me as I had no idea where the hell we were going.

**-xXx-**

"So let me ask you something I had been meaning to ask you, which bumping into you today made all that easier," Gerard said as he leaned over his mostly empty plate.

We had found the place and ordered in what had looked like the nick of time, Gerard nearly devoured his food when it came out, which isn't to say I didn't either as I hadn't really eaten since breakfast. And that was a long ass time ago. Gerard played with his last few remaining fries, not hungry enough to eat them. I had placed my napkin on my empty pasta dish and pushed it further onto the table so I could rest my elbows on the table as I leant forward to hear him better.

"I was wondering what you were doing tonight?" Gerard asked as he drew a smiley face in ketchup across his plate, using his fry as his paint brush.

"Oh you know, mountain biking with a bunch of nudists followed by a good virginal sacrifice to the gods ending with a good book and a cup of hot cocoa. You?" I asked teasingly, he knew I didnt do anything besides what he knew already.

"Yeah well if you could tell the mountain biking nudists to drink the cool-aid without you, and possibly reschedule the virginal sacrifice for like tomorrow night I was going to ask you to come with the guys and me tonight," Gerard said as he sat back as the waiter took his messily decorated plate.

"Sure, sounds good. I wasn't in the mood for a cyanide cool-aid cocktail tonight really anyway. What's the plan Stan?" I asked as I smiled at the waiter as they took mine.

"Well we have a show tonight, a gig, at eight o'clock. You had said you would come to one, and here is the perfect opportunity. Especially since Reta's is closed tomorrow," Gerard said excitedly, acting like a little kid.

"And here I thought you had made plans to take your girlfriend out on a nice dinner at eight o'clock. What a shame," I said teasingly.

"Nah, just dragging her to a show so she can ward off all the crazy fan girls we have already," Gerard teased back.

"Uh huh. But yeah I'll-," I started to say.

"GOOD! We can leave now since I have to pick up the guys so we can load and head out since the venue is like half an hour away. So let's skiddattle. Come on, get up, pronto squanto," Gerard said hurriedly as he literally jumped up and started tugging me out of my seat.

"Don't I have to change? Or something?" I asked as I let him drag me after him, waving goodbye to the hostess as we exited.

"Nah you look drop dead as it is. We'll have to attach you to someone for the night so you don't get whisked away by the first tight jean clad alternative rocker who turns his head your way," Gerard said as he finally stopped in front of a beater car.

"Hey I am not a floozy," I said pouting as I refused to get in the door he had opened for me.

"I'm. Not. Calling. You. A. Floozy," Gerard said as he tried shoving me into the car, and failing miserably.

"Uh huh," I said, still not budging.

"I was saying that with the way you look all a guy would have to do was turn his head in your direction and his first thought would be to sweep you off somewhere," Gerard said as he finally got me into the car and shut the door.

Actually his comment had shocked me that I had forgotten my fight to stay outside the car and had allowed him to push me in. I didn't think I was that attractive, regardless of my new outward appearance, I was still regular me. My overly pointy nose and slightly crooked teeth and all.

"And we can't have that," Gerard finished as he jumped into the driver's seat and slammed his door behind him.

"You're weird," I stated shaking my head as I buckled in.

"And you for the night will be dating a band member. Who as of yet have NO idea you're coming," Gerard said with a smirk before looking over his shoulder and backing out of his parking spot.

"Oh the joys," I said sarcastically as I lit an after meal cigarette as I saw butts in the ashtray of his car and guess he smoked in it.

Rolling down the window a bit and slipping my silver aviators onto my face I exhaled a long thread of smoke and watched Jersey life pass by my window. Thinking, I got out my journal and jotted a few notes.

_**"Art museums are the strangest places to run into people, but seem to be a popular gathering for Jersey inhabitants. Gerard caresses his line strokes like a lover. I debated that Dali was sane and sounded convincing. People can glow in black and white. Watching Jersey pass by me at forty miles an hour takes none of its beauty away, just concentrates it for speedy delivery. Jersey is speaking to me through art."** _

Jotting the last period I clamped my book shut and stored it with my pen back in my bag. Looking over I smiled at Gerard as he smiled back at me, ashing his cigarette out his own cracked window cracked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of my favorite lines in this chapter. . .
> 
> "Yeah well if you could tell the mountain biking nudists to drink the cool-aid without you, and possibly reschedule the virginal sacrifice for like tomorrow night. . ."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

"Okay we're here, keep your head to the side a bit, as if you're looking at something. I wanna see how they react first before they know it's you," Gerard said as he turned his car off and took the keys out of the ignition.

"I think I can play along with that. But if today is an indication of how they will react I'm pretty sure they will think you brought a stranger home. Or well, more of a stranger than me," I said playfully as I tossed the butt of my last cigarette out the window.

"You're no stranger Jay, you're one of us now. Get use to it," Gerard said as he beamed me what I was learning was his infamous smirk.

"Crash position assumed," I said as I got out and closed the door behind me.

"Shall we my lady?" Gerard asked as he came around to the front of the car and placed his arm out for me.

"Yes, I think we shall. Let's go find your bunch of merry naives," I said in a mock old English accent.

Gerard just grinned and lead me forward. We walked the few feet down the street since Gerard had said he had really wanted to surprise them, and then turned onto a drive way. There was a white hitch trailer in it, parked in front of a garage and loud crashing, banging and cursing could be heard coming from the back end. Guess loading was not a smooth process yet, not even after the fame I had heard they had recently collected. Didn't musicians get people to do this for them eventually? Or even by this point? Maybe that was part of their charm, doing everything themselves. Gerard lead me around the side of the trailer as we approached it and stopped in front of the open garage doors. Then he cleared his throat. Loudly.

"Ahem."

At that everyone turned to stare at the two of us. Well not everyone, Bob had been looking at us the entire time, smiling a bit, but silent to our approach to the others. I smiled back at him a bit but caught myself as I remembered I was trying to not show it was me. I quickly looked down at the mud flap on the wheel to engage my attention like Gerard had said, so I wasn't facing them dead on.

"Holy hottie alert! Gee you know you shouldn't be showing up with hot chicks on your arm when you're dating Sharon. That's bad form dude," Mikey said as he was the first to regain control of speech.

Ray and Frankie both still had their jaws dropped, just like Mikey had before he came back down to reality. Though, weird thing being, he was still checking me out! I was watching their reactions out of the corner of my eye, it was HILARIOUS! They had no idea who the hell I was!

"MINE!" Frank all of a sudden yelled loudly and then dashed at me and wrapped his arms around me tight, holding me to him, his head on my shoulder.

This was odd. What was even odder was that he let his hand roam to my ass! He really had no idea it was me.

"All right, all right Casanova, hands off," Gerard said as he peeled Frankie off of me and pushed him back towards the others.

"Hey that's not fair, you already have Sharon. You can't have her too, that's like a no go, it's got to be against the rules or something," Frankie pouted.

I tried not to laugh. It was really quite amusing.

"Her happens to have a name," Gerard said, and I knew our game was coming to an end.

Well at least this part of it.

"Well what's her name?" Ray asked, finding his voice finally.

"Why don't I let her tell you," Gerard said as he finally let my arm go and stepped back a step, as if to give me the floor.

I took that as my cue and stood up and faced them, I knew I had a shit eating grin plastered on my face as I slipped off my silver aviators.

"It's Jay you dumb asses. Or have you forgotten already?" I asked teasingly as I watched their reactions.

Ray, Mikey and Frankie's faces just dropped. Almost literally. Though the three of them did literally drop what they had been holding in their hands, causing a loud jarring noise to ring through the small garage. It made me cringe a bit. But Bob, well Bob was still staring at me and smiling slightly. He didn't seem shocked. I was confused.

"What you smiling at?" I asked Bob cheekily.

"I totally knew it was you, like the whole time," Bob replied, smile not leaving his face as started to twirl one of his drumsticks he was holding.

"What? How?" Gerard and I both asked, shocked, at the same time.

Mind you, the other guys were still standing and staring in shock. Silent shock.

"Because of Gerard," Bob said simply, not missing a twirl of the wooden stick.

I shot a look at Gerard and he simply shrugged his shoulders at me, saying he had no idea what Bob was talking about. I turned back to face Bob again, raising an eyebrow.

"How?" I asked, confused, but intrigued.

"Gerard is only totally relaxed around us, during band practice, or around you. And he gets a look on his face when you're around. So that was dead give away," Bob said as if it was nothing.

I didn't quite get it in total.

"Oh and you smiled at me when you caught me looking at you the first time. That was a dead give away too," Bob said as he stopped spinning his drumstick only to point it directly at me.

I smirked a bit and then opened my mouth to reply.

"Oh my GOD I touched Jay's BUTT!" Frankie yelled all of a sudden as he started to run in a little circle waving his arms madly, cutting me off.

I couldn't help but laugh, and Gerard and Bob joined in as well. Frankie's outburst and childish antics seemed to bring Mikey and Ray back around, since Ray smacked Frankie upside the head, causing him to stop and pout at Ray with a glare.

"Well you're still hot as all hell. Regardless," Mikey said as he picked up what he had dropped and started to bring it to the trailer.

"Good, because I need a date," I said loudly.

There was another loud crash as things were dropped again. And then it was silent. And then...

"ME!" was shouted in unison by all the guys, including Bob.

"Guys, guys, guys, calm down. She can only be with one of you. And besides you don't even know what it's for or when it's for. It could be tonight, she could be asking you to skip the gig," Gerard said semi dramatically, still playing our game.

"ME!" the four guys chorused once again, each raising their hands in the air like as if they were school children.

"Tisk, tisk guys. Giving up the show for a pretty face. I think I shall just kidnap her and run away, leaving you guys to do all the work," Gerard said loudly as he jerked to the side quickly, and spun on his heel.

In the blink of an eye he looped his arm around my waist and pulled me after him right quick. I felt my eyes go big as I felt myself being dragged after him. Backwards. And then they widened as I saw the guys start running after us.

"We'd get away a lot quicker if you'd help by turning and running _with_ me," Gerard said.

"Uh huh, and why would I do that? You are the one who has kidnapped me like we were school kids or something," I pointed out as I awkwardly ran backwards, trying my best to not stumble.

So this was highly not comfortable, but I had to put a thorn in his side at least for show.

"Come on, live a little. Your capturer could turn into your knight in shining armor. You never know," Gerard said cheekily.

"Uh huh, fine," I said, but more since I had stubbed my heel painfully on a rock.

Turning he let go of his awkward grip on me but still had his arm around my waist. Maybe he was still worried about my clumsy ass tripping and getting us caught. So much for being a mature adult, nope I'm running from boys to some unknown destination with one who kidnapped me. Yeah, I feel like a kid again. A giant dork of one at least.

"Quick this way," Gerard said as he violently pulled me after him around the far side of a little shed.

I really couldn't do anything other than follow him since he was still gripping me. Which was a good thing since the only way were going to fit between the shed and the fence was squished together. I calmed myself down and started to get my breathing back under control and then realized that I was pressed firmly against Gerard's chest. He smelled nice.

"Where the hell did they go?" Ray asked from near by, sounding out of breath.

Gerard was breathing fairly heavy still, my head was rising and falling quickly with each rapid breath he took. He had his hand on the back of my neck underneath my newly shorn hair.

"I don't know. But they better not be making out," Mikey said, voice sounding closer than Ray's.

Gerard's heart rate seemed to speed back up momentarily, he seemed to be worried we were going to be caught in our hiding spot.

"Why?" Bob asked.

"Because he's dating Sharon, that'd be slightly uh, wrong," Mikey pointed out.

I could almost hear the shrug Bob was giving as a response, or at least I was guessing he was giving. He shrugged a lot, made him seem like a monkey, or a gorilla.

"Let's scare them," I whispered against the thin jacket he was wearing, only just then realizing we were both wearing leather jackets.

"All right, you go out the way behind you and I'll go around the way behind me. Wait for my signal," Gerard whispered into the top of my head.

Odd way to muffle ones voice, but whatever works I guess. He let go of me and we slowly backed out our separate ways, trying to make as little noise as possible, and I cringed when I imagined all the horrible damage I was doing to my new leather coat.

As I finally crept to my end I turned my head to see Gerard finally reaching his. He turned to look at me and raised a hand. Silently he counted to three and then mouthed go as he pointed out. I jumped around the edge of the shed.

"RAWR!" Gerard and I both yelled as he pounced at the guys.

"Ahhh!" was screamed all around, and they almost collectively jumped out of their skins.

Mikey's scream was incredibly high pitched, I had no idea it was possible for a male with all his parts still intact to reach those notes. That's guessing Mikey actually still did have all his parts, which I had no clue, so he could technically be a eunuch.

"Boo, we scared you!" I shouted, maybe being around the guys these few times had worn off on me.

Or maybe this was just what I was really like.

"Not very nice," Bob said as he shook his finger at me.

He seemed to recover fairly quickly, though I was guessing it took quite a lot to shake him to his core. He seemed solid in personality, like a stone never moving always there to lean on.

"Poo on you. So who am I using as a date?" I asked the guys, wanting to figure this out now since I figured we had to hit the road pronto.

"I will," Mikey said, the first of the guys to respond.

"Then Mikey it is. Let's get rolling then or you guys will be late," I said as I walked past them back towards the trailer.

"Wait? What? You're coming with us? You're coming to the gig?" Frankie spit out like quick shot as he ran up to me.

"Of course silly, that's why Gerard brought me. And why I need a date. Gerard insisted that I be fake dating one of you tonight so as not to be whisked away by the first guy that looks at me. Because for some reason he believes this will come to play as soon as we get there," I said as Frankie and I were the first to reach the trailer.

"And he's damn right about it, just wish it was me that got you as arm candy for the night. I'd kill for a hot chick on my arm," Frankie said as he smirked at me and then punched me in the arm before going towards equipment.

I rolled my eyes at him and then went for my purse that had been dropped in the chase so as to get a cigarette.

Finally all the guys joined us.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked, halfway through my cigarette.

"Nah, we've got it covered," Ray said as he went to grab an amp.

Nodding my head, realizing that I'd probably just get in the way or break something I took my camera out of my bag and started walking. Nothing like a moment alone to catch some great shots. That and I wanted something to remember the day by.

At the end of my stroll I had managed to take quite a few shots, not sure how many I would keep, but a lot just the same. I got a great one in color of an old Basset hound sleeping in a ray of sun on the porch of his house. Another of kids playing foursquare in the street, chalk boxes and all, I had no idea kids still played that. I snapped one of a group of kids walking down the street, chatting away, one of the boys was silent and staring slyly at one of the girls of the group. It was perfect, and I snapped it in black and white, with only him looking at the girl. It was innocent, summed up teenage love, and love in general, without having to say a word.

There were tons of others but those were my favorite that I was looking at again as I strolled back up the driveway. They seemed to be just about finished, guess they slacked off while Gerard wasn't there. Switching my camera back into photo mode, and into black and white I snapped a few more. The last I took was taken from the side of the trailer, at an angle where I could just see enough of them. It was of Gerard handing someone's arms coming out from inside of the trailer, Bob's by the looks of them, the bass drum. Standing behind him was Frankie, holding a package of drum stick on his shoulder like they weighed as much as the drum, and grinning like a fool. They really were an eclectic group of guys for a band, maybe that was what kept them going.

I flicked the last of my cigarette and came up as I hung my big black camera around my neck.

"All ready to go rock the masses," Frankie said as he tossed the drum sticks in last, ignoring the look from Bob who picked them up and placed them correctly.

"All right then, let's make like a banana split and melt," I said as I turned towards Gerard's car.

**-xXx-**

The car trip was memorable, since it took half an hour to get there that gave Frankie plenty of time to annoy someone. That someone changing back and forth between all of the guys, I seemed immune, I liked it. It was refreshing, and made me laugh. Ray ended up dumping the remainder of his orange soda down the front of Frankie after he had flicked Bob's ears repeatedly as he asked if we were there yet. Frankie broke into tears, surely put on, but tears none the less. At first I was worried, till he bemoaned about how he had only brought three changes of clothes for the night, and that that wasn't enough to choose from. I found out he was a clothes whore and spent more time on his makeup then most females and gay men. Which I was assured repeatedly he wasn't, to which he tried proving by slapping a kiss on me. Tried that is till Gerard shot him a look in the rearview mirror and told him to sit the fuck down before he pulled over. I found it amusing.

At the venue I once again found myself being told that my help wasn't needed and to just wait and they'd have it all done in a jiffy. Which was true, it seemed quicker to unload than to load. So instead I went back to Gerard's car and sat in the front seat with my journal in my lap. I jotted a few notes, grabbed one of the little, thick poster board flyers for the show off the dash and stuck it in it. I decided that I was going to add more than just photos to the entries. Closing it I lit a cigarette and went to go find the guys since they had ceased making noise in the trailer behind me, leading me to believe that they were inside somewhere.

Getting out I went in search of, and found, an open back entrance. As I walked in I heard the loud chatting voices of the guys, and the thumps of equipment being placed somewhere, so I just followed my ears, forgetting that I had walked inside with my cigarette lit. As I rounded the bend and saw them come into view I stopped and smiled. Gerard had his arms around, and was kissing a pretty brunette, Sharon I was assuming, they had described her pretty much spot on. I was about to snag a shot of them when my view was blocked by a large chest.

"You can't be back here, nor can you be smoking in here as a guest," a deep voice said.

I looked up from the muscled chest to look into a very square set face that had a scruffy beard gracing it's sharp jaw lines.

"Oh, I'm-" I started to explain.

"Gary, she's with me, and us. Don't worry," Mikey said as he came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

Momentarily I forgot that we were "dating" for the night when I saw his arm around me, and then remembered quick enough to knock the shocked look off my face and act like his girlfriend.

"Sorry Mikey, had no idea. Never seen her before, congratulations on snagging yourself a really pretty girl. Sorry for that miss, it's venue rules to say that. And since you're with the band you can smoke back here," Gary the brick wall of a guard said as he backed away.

"No problem Gary, and my name is Jay," I said as I stuck my hand out for him to shake.

I figured an introduction would seem normal for the girlfriend of one of the guys.

"Good to meet you. Good luck tonight guys," the moving barricade said as he let go of my hand and moved back off to lurk in the shadows and guard against teenagers.

"Gary's really nice, he's been a friend, and a fan, of ours since we started playing here as regulars way back when," Mikey explained as he led me to the rest of the group, arm still around my shoulders.

"Mikey I didn't know you got yourself a girlfriend finally," Sharon said as the two of us approached.

Gerard had a smile on his face, but I wasn't going to play the game with his girlfriend too. That would be just cruel, I mean we've never met so it would kind of lack purpose.

"I'm Jay, and you're Sharon I suppose, I've heard a lot about you. And Mikey and I are only fake dating for the night. Protection you see, I'm apparently a wanted woman," I said as I stuck my hand out for her.

She had slightly wavy chestnut brown hair to a little past her shoulders, the sides of which she had pinned back on the back of her head, causing bits to stick up on the air. Looked like on purpose. She had on a simple white t-shirt with a black tank top on over it, and loose fitting blue jeans and flip flops. She seemed just as relaxed as they all described her as.

"Oh my god **_you're_** Jay? I've heard so much about you too! Only you look nothing like they said, like nothing at all. And I would kill small countries for your shoes," Sharon said all in one breath as she shook my hand.

I laughed.

"Yeah I took a drastic change for hopefully the better today, like all at once, hence you weren't informed of the changes. The guys only found out about an hour ago anyway. And I got them at Waste of Breath," I said as I took my hand back.

"Oh I love that place, yet never remember to go. I think I will have to remedy that. So what's new that they got in? Anything exciting? Any awful puke green or putrid decaying pumpkin colors?" Sharon asked as she linked her arm with mine and led me off.

We were going to get along just fine.

**-xXx-**

"So plan is we're going to watch the show from the side?" Sharon asked a little while later.

The guys were to go on in like five minutes, since the guys band was the headliner the other two bands of the night had already played. Which we had watched from the side of the stage for the most part.

I had snapped a few shots, even this great one of Gary as he had been leaning against some scaffolding on the side of the stage, watching one of the bands play. I had taken it from behind, in the dark, without using the flash so as to capture the colored lights filtering his body in their own mixing hues, so that parts of him were still encased in dark. It seemed quintessential.

"Sounds good to me, though I would like to snag some shots from the floor before they stop playing," I said as we made our way back to the side of the medium sized stage.

I was excited, I had never really gone to any concerts like this before. I mean I had been to big arenas and seen like Bob Dylan, and The Wallflowers, Tom Petty and the like, but nothing that had this feel. The venue was smallish, with a decent sized stage. The venue seemed like a well loved place that bands frequented just for the atmosphere and because the bartender took the time to learn your name and drink order even if it wasn't alcoholic, and the people attending seemed like regulars. It was small, personal, loud, smokey, slightly crammed, hot, and extremely exciting.

"Beer ladies," Bob said as he walked up to us, handing the two of us cold glass bottles.

"Donkey shits," I said in thanks as I raised my bottle.

"Want to really date me?" Mikey asked at my reply.

It had turned out Gerard had been right, I had needed Mikey for the evening just as he had expected. Not that I couldn't defend myself, it just way laid a lot of what could have been potential problems. I was hit on none stop, and Mikey was always there to swoop in, place an arm around me, smack the side of my head with a kiss, and tell them I was taken. By him no less. That usually ended things right there. Only one guy had pushed the matter and had to be forced to leave the venue by Gary.

"Sorry Mikey, but I haven't figured out, nor found, me as a person yet. No time to be adding on a boyfriend," I said matter of factually.

"Damn! Well when you find yourself and are ready for a boyfriend, just remember that any of us will be willing to fill that spot," Mikey sad as he winked and then walked towards the stage.

"Boys," Sharon and I said simultaneously as we shook our heads.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

"All right world and fellow music moshers, we're My Chemical Romance as you well know. And this song is called Our Lady of Sorrows," Gerard said loudly into the mic.

At his speech and announcement the crowd went wild, screaming, yelling and jumping around. Guess they were fairly popular. It made me feel so out of the loop, not with the guys, but with the world. How I could of never heard of them as Gerard's voice rang over the monitors was beyond my own capability to reason. Not only were his words beautiful, his voice was haunting to the point of bringing one to tears. His voice seemed to convey to you exactly what he had been feeling when he wrote the song, and he was re-feeling as he sang it to the audience. I stood in awe, almost forgetting to use my camera. Lifting the black device to my eye I went about doing what I had been told I do best. Capture time in still frame to tell the world their personal story without words.

I let the sounds coming from the guys sway how I took each shot as they played their set, whether or not it was in color depended on how the notes spoke to me and moved my hands. I let the sound waves guide me to where I should take the shot.

I got a fairly impressive one of Frankie with his head bent over his guitar as he played his heart out, ignoring the world around him, only seeing his instrument. I got one of Bob standing up and pointing out to the audience, revving them up. I got one of Ray and Gerard sharing a mic, and great one of Mikey actually breaking into a smile while he played his bass. I found that he didn't really do anything other than stand and play, no emotion on his face as he got lost in the music. But it seemed to fit his persona on the stage.

I had taken many, many shots of them as they played, but none of just Gerard. Nothing had spoken to me as a photo yet, where he was just alone, and I was bumming. He had such a power on stage and I wanted to catch it perfectly.

"I'm going down to the guard walk in front," I yelled at Sharon, miming to her where I was going as I lifted my camera for added emphasis.

She nodded her head at me and went back to bobbing her head along to the music enthusiastically. As I neared the stairs I turned as snapped two quick shots of her, without her knowing. She had said earlier that she hated having her photo taken and always purposefully made faces when a camera was pointed her way so that the picture wouldn't be taken. I had made it my goal to snap some of her, but she had always been too close to take any without her knowing.

I smiled at Gary as I turned back around to make my way down the stairs that led to the catwalk area where the guards stood and took people safely down that had been crowd surfing. He smiled back and let me pass. As I got down there and in position the final notes from the song they had just played, Headfirst For Halos, rang through the system speakers.

"All right guys, it's been an amazing night with you all, and we'll be back soon. This is our last song of the night and it's called Demolition Lovers," Gerard said into his mic before stepping away from it and adjusting his leather coat that he was still wearing.

I swore under my breath as the crowd cheered. I prayed that I got some shots during this song since it was their last, or I would be bumming. I switched my camera on and looked up just as Gerard stepped back up to the mic and opened his mouth.

"Hand in mine, into your icy blues. And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway, with this trunk of ammunition too. I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets," Gerard sang and I felt the flesh on my arms raise and he looked directly at me as he sang.

I felt my arms lifting on their own accord and snapping a shot, I wasn't even looking through the damn lens. I was just shooting as he sang.

"I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me. And after all the things we put each other through and," Gerard sang on, his eyes not leaving mine.

I stared back as I moved along the catwalk snapping shots of him, not even bothering to look in the view finder. I didn't need to, the words and the music were doing my job for me basically, guiding my camera as it saw fit. I couldn't not stare at him, his eyes were reflecting the bright stage lights that were illuminating the band like a god send, and yet they seemed to be dark opaque surfaces where he held everything. And it wasn't so much his face I was staring at, but more like trying to see into his head to see what the words meant to him. I could feel it, but I wanted to know. I had already admitted to myself that I was falling in love with Gerard's words, and now I was just solidifying that fact. I was hypnotized.

"But this time, I mean it. I'll let you know just how much you mean to me. As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything. As days fade, and nights grow and we go cold," Gerard's voice sang loudly with the music.

I finally brought the camera to my eye, wanting to see what I was taking. As I focused through the finder I saw Gerard close his eyes and drop his head a bit as he continued singing. I flicked over to black and white and took two rapid fire shots, hoping I caught the moment as he had lifted his head a second later. I took a few steps down the side of the stage and snapped some shots of Ray, ears always focused on Gerard though.

Moving to the farthest end of the guard walk I angled in on Gerard, he was staring out into the crowd, a hand stretching out reached towards something that no one but him could see. If it wasn't obvious through his voice and his lyrics how the song touched him, it showed on his face. It was all there for the world to see. I snapped the shot in black and white and then went back to stand in front of him.

I snagged a great shot of Bob and then paused as Gerard sang.

"And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood. And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down," he sang, focusing his eyes back on this plane of reality.

I raised my camera to take a shot. Gerard swung his head and looked me dead in the eyes, causing me to pause as he sang.

"I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood," he sang as he stared directly into my eyes, almost looking directly into me.

I felt myself slowly lowering the camera, as I continued to match his stare.

"I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever," Gerard finished singing, eyes not leaving mine.

The goose bumps came back.

His words were amazing.

As the music came to an end I shook myself from the stupor his words had left me in.

"Thank you guys and good night," Gerard said as he waved to the crowd and made to follow the rest of the guys who were mostly already off the stage.

As he neared the side of the stage Sharon leapt at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and placing a big kiss on his lips regardless of the sweat. It made me smile and I snagged a shot of it, figuring they would appreciate it. As the band exited the stage I took the time to pause and scan through my photos from the night. I stood for a bit, deleting ones that I felt were no good, or the few that were blurry to the point of no use to me. Then I heard a shout behind me.

"Jay?!" two newly familiar voice yelled behind me, like right behind me almost.

I spun and was greeted with the faces of Star and Sheela, decked out to the nines for the show. I found this surprising, yet should have expected this from them.

"Hello there," I said cheerfully as I let my camera hang against my chest as I approached the smallish barrier.

"What the hell are you doing here? See you got new duds. I thought you were new to Jersey. Are you photographing for one of the bands?" Star asked as I got to them and leaned on the edge with my elbows.

"I am new here. And while I wasn't specifically photographing one of the bands if the guys want any of my pics they can sure as hell use them," I said in response, shrugging my shoulders.

I had planned on showing the guys any of the good ones and giving them to use if they wanted them for anything.

"The guys?" Sheela asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, the guys. The band," I started to explain but heard screeching behind me and felt myself being pounced on.

"Jay, Jay, Jay!! We just played a killer set! Did you like it? Did you, did you, did you?" Frankie asked at a million miles an hour from my back, where his overly sweaty body was now clinging.

I dumped him off my back and turned to respond.

"Yes Frankie, I loved it. Beyond anything I've ever heard. You might just have some talent in that little body of yours," I teased as I poked him in the side.

"Hey, we're the exact, _**AH**_!" Frankie all of a sudden screamed and jumped behind me.

I looked down at him cowering behind me and then looked to where he was looking. At Sheela and Star, who were looking just as shocked as Frankie was scared.

"My Chem are the guys you were talking about?" Sheela asked loudly.

"Uh, yes? You know them?" I asked lamely.

"Duh, I've know that little idgit behind you since he was toddling around in nothing but shitty diapers and runny snot. I use to baby sit him," Sheela said with a loud laugh.

I looked down at Frankie behind me who nodded yes and smiled sheepishly. That explained the shout from him. I saw the other guys approach me and Frankie from behind. They all gave Frankie weird looks till they directed their gaze to that ahead of us when he jerked his head that direction. Then Bob's eyes lit up.

"Sheels!" he said loudly as he went up to the barrier and gave Sheela a large hug.

Sheela hugged back with the exact enthusiasm as Bob did.

"God I'm so glad you could make it tonight," Bob said as he let her go.

"And this lug here I've loved my entire life, or his as the case may be," Sheela said as she rested her elbow on Bob's shoulder and he split into a shit eating grin.

I felt my face drop in shock. Bob had a girlfriend? What? Last I knew Gerard was the only one attached to anyone. How had I missed that? And I guess it showed on my face what I was thinking because as soon as I opened my mouth to speak finally, Sheela broke out into her own shit eating grin.

"Bob the builder here is my younger, less attractive, no where near as smart, brother," Sheela said turning to smile sweetly at Bob as she batted her eyelashes at him.

Bob scoffed and stepped out from under her arm, causing her balance to tip since she had been leaning on him almost fully, causing her to almost fall. She shot him a glare and in turn he smiled at her sweetly and batted his eyelashes at her. Yup. They were definitely siblings. Don't know how I didn't pick up on the facial similarities before. At that I turned to look at Star.

"You related to any of them?" I asked as I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at the guys standing behind me

"Oh thank god no, and not dating any of them either. Nope, just known them for about as long as Sheela here since we've been best friends since we were little. I also helped baby sit Frank with Sheels," Star said.

"So you use to run around in nothing but shitty diapers and runny snot?" I turned and asked Frankie, interest peeked.

"Oh get off it, so did you at one point. You're not all that much older than me anyway so don't even go there," Frankie said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh don't pout Frankie it makes you look more fem then you already do. Now, I say we get to business. Beer," Star said as she hiked a leg over the barrier and climbed over.

Gary didn't even bat an eye, must be he recognized her and Sheela for who they were. God I felt so out of the loop with the world!

**-xXx-**

"Twenty one bottles of booze on the wall, twenty one bottles of booze. You take one dow..." Frankie sang cheerfully from across the table.

"Frank!" everyone shouted in unison to shut him up.

His song had started at one hundred and he had been singing it continuously since then.

We had hung out at the venue a bit so the guys could rest from playing there show and then pack up before going out for the night. We had just sat around lazing about and chit chatted, and I had learned some fairly damaging tidbits about the guys growing up, mainly Frankie. All in all it had been a good time, it was nice to have people around that seemed relaxed and at peace with who they were as people. It gave me just a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe I would come into my own while here in Jersey and not have to move on, for it was quickly growing on me. The people, the state, the music, the lifestyle, it all as a whole really.

Afterwards we had all crowded back into vehicles and drove the half hour back so the trailer could be unloaded and left behind. After that we pig piled and went out to a bar that they all frequented, for playing gigs and for hanging out. It was medium sized and pleasant, the bartenders were friendly and seemed to know the group, just like back at Reta's. We had been there for over an hour at this point and put our own dent into the beer supply, though Sharon drank strictly girly mixed drinks. To each their own I guess, I had never really drank anything other than copious amounts of beer, and that being back in my freshman year of college. So this was new.

"Shot time," Gerard sang out as he came back to our shared booth that we had pushed a table to since there were so many of us, nine in point of fact.

Mikey and Gerard placed the shots down and Gerard handed them out to their respective drinkers. This was new, I had never really done shots before. I looked down at the clear pale amber liquid and went to sniff it to see what it was.

" _DON'T_ do that," Gerard said quickly as he stuck his hand hovering over the top of my glass shot glass.

"Why?" I asked, confused.

"It's tequila, and you never smell tequila, nor any liquor for that matter, or you will never touch it. The shit smells like cleaning supplies, if not worse, but tastes oh so good," he said as he slowly pulled his hand back as I sat up.

Everyone smiled a bit at my naivete but not putting me down. I grabbed my smooth glass and lifted it with everyone else, they all had different liquids in theirs of all colors.

"To a killer show, to new friends, and old. And to a partially new Jay as she finds herself in Jersey and hopefully never leaves us," Gerard toasted as he raised his shot glass of similar liquid at me.

"Here here," everyone chorused as they through back their shots at once.

I at least knew how to take a shot so did not breath in when I tossed it back. I then proceeded to make a quick face but then found that as I grabbed for my beer as a chaser that I liked the flavor and put my beer down for a second.

"Yay she likes it and takes it like a pro," Mikey shouted as he clapped me on the back heartily.

"It's good, a bit pungent, but good. Warms you up," I smiled as I replied.

"I knew you and I would get along beautifully from the first time I saw you," Gerard said as smiled in his eyes at me over the top of his beer bottle.

"Back when she was random girl with notebook in Reta's and you were Mr. I'm running late today but this time I around I'm on time," Ray said happily.

"Yeah back then," Gerard said softly enough to not be heard.

But I caught it. It made me smile. It felt nice that the guys had seen something in me even back then that first day I was in Jersey, back when I had no idea what was in me. Guess Jersey was working it's magic on me.

**-xXx-**

"Night Gerard, thanks for the ride," I said as I opened the car door outside of my apartment.

We had stayed the rest of the night at the bar, just drinking and laughing, sharing bad humiliating stories from our past and basically just hanging at. It let me get to know them better, and differently then I had up to this point, they were more open because of the alcohol. Not they were really all that closed about themselves to begin with, it was just different. Everyone had gone back to their respective places and Gerard had opted to drive me home and I had agreed. It now being two in the morning, or a little after.

"I'll walk you up, I wanna see your apartment anyway. That is as long as it's okay with you," Gerard said as I stood outside the car, ready to shut the door.

"Why not, it's not all that impressive. And I'm messy as all hell actually, but if that doesn't bother you then come on up," I said then shut his door as he got out.

"Here we are," I said when we finally got to my door and I unlocked it, pushing it open.

"Wow, it's nice. Especially for one person apartments, they're usually shitty," Gerard said as he came it, looking around the open space as I shut the door.

"I like it," I said as I tossed my bag on my couch.

"Where did you get this?" Gerard asked touched one of my wall hangings I had put up to color the room since I didn't know how long I was staying and didn't want to paint.

"I got it from this Peruvian couple that came to my campus selling stuff during a fair once. I loved the color and the patterns so I bought it. Ever since it's been displayed somehow," I said as I went up and traced my fingers over the hanging.

It was rich ochre and green colors, with royal purple and ocean blue woven through out the fabric. Black had been woven in in intricate designs, I loved it the moment I had seen it.

"What did you major in?" Gerard asked as he went about my apartment, admiring the few things I had brought with me, and had added since I came here.

"I majored in political science and chemistry," I said nonchalantly as I let my own eyes wonder about my apartment.

It needed coloring, it needed more me in it.

"Wow. Like, wow. You're a giant nerd then," Gerard teased as he picked up some plates I had left and brought them into my tiny kitchen that I only ever rarely used since I normally ate downstairs.

"And you're a wanna be rock star," I teased back as I pouted a little at his nerd comment.

"Not a wanna be, an inspiring and almost there rock star. And don't worry, I like nerds. They come in all shapes in sizes. My brother and I collect comic books, so to each their own I guess," Gerard said as he smiled at me.

"I think comic book collecting is a bit cooler than poli-sci and chemistry," I said as I took more dishes I had found into the kitchen where Gerard had started washing them in my tiny sink.

"Maybe, depending on how you look at it. I read about super villains exploding things with bombs on paper while you have the knowledge to build them. Or in a less crazy person sense, you get to make cool things go boom, and understand how they go boom," Gerard said as he took the dishes from my hands and suds'ed them.

"I guess," I said as I took the dishes he had washed and dried them and put them away.

**-xXx-**

"Have you ever thought about painting this place different?" Gerard asked later after we had done the dishes and even picked up the main living area a bit.

Now we were sitting on my couch with the television on though we were more just talking than watching it. It was more for background noise.

"I had, but I didn't know how long I was going to be here and didn't know what Reta would think if I just slapped paint down and then ended up leaving," I answered, shrugging my shoulders.

"Well it's already been settled, whether you were aware of it or not, that you're staying in Jersey. It's just the way things are going to be," Gerard said rather matter of factually.

"If you say so," I said laughing a bit at his final sounding statement.

"I do. And I think that we should paint this place, I know Reta wouldn't mind," Gerard said.

"What do you mean _we_ keemosabi?" I asked warily, raising an eyebrow at him as I turned to look at him.

"I mean that tomorrow we are painting this place. You have no choice in the matter, it's been decided. So I will be leaving now and will be back bright and early tomorrow and we will paint," Gerard said as he stood up from the couch.

"I think you're crazy as a nutter, but that there is no changing your mind once you set it to something," I said as I too got up and walked with him to the door where he got his leather jacket.

"Good as long as you realize this now early on in the game we'll be the best of friends forever," Gerard said as I opened the door for him.

"Got it, duly noted. And thanks," I said as he started to leave.

"For what?" he asked as he stopped right outside my door.

"For everything really. For taking notice of me in the diner. For sticking up for me. For taking me out to hang and lending me your friends. For spending the day with me, taking me to the show. I don't know really, for everything I guess. I'm in a trying time, slightly unstable as to where I'm going, and it's nice to have someone lend a hand," I said, not really knowing what I was trying to thank him for, but wanting it at least to be said.

Regardless of how retarded it sounded. No matter what he thought, I really didn't have a way with words in any form.

"It was my pleasure, you looked like someone who had something to share and I just wanted to find out what it was. And besides I kinda like ya, as do the rest of my delinquent friends," Gerard said as he ruffled my hair.

"Hey I don't know how to style this," I said as I frantically tried to fix my hair.

"See ya bright and early Jay bird," Gerard said as he went down my stairs.

I glowered at his back and turned back into my apartment, shutting the door behind me. Leaning against it I looked around and smiled thinking about tomorrow. Walking into my room I grabbed my journal and opened it.

_**"Met a wall who disguises himself as a human, the beard hides nothing. Bob the builder has an older sister, and Frankie used to run around in diapers. A crowd at a concert holds no individuality, everyone looks the same in the dark under the pulsing sound waves. Adults still play hide and seek, humans never fully evolve from their child like state I guess. Eyes can shine and be opaque windows all at the same time. Boys can be clothes whores too. I like tequila. Tomorrow I give new life to old walls. Jersey is speaking to me a bit louder, this time through car trips and sweaty happy faces."** _

Smiling I closed my book.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize profusely to all of you for the almost 3 week delay on new chapters.  
> The virus I got was a pretty nasty one and I only just now got my laptop back with a clean bill of health and am able to post chapters.
> 
> I hope you all forgive me one day!

I was woken not by the loud beeping of my alarm, which I hadn't set, but by loud banging on my front door. That actually didn't sound like banging but more like loud kicking. I grumbled and rolled over to get out of bed. Running a hand through my destroyed hair I went to the door and opened it.

"You know you should just give me a key and end this madness in the future," Gerard said as he walked in holding two very large cups of coffee.

"How the hell did you get into the building?" I asked sleepily as I closed the door.

I think I was hungover.

"Reta was doing paper work in the diner and I asked her to let me. And she did," Gerard said as he placed the coffees down on my small table.

"Uh huh," I said as I yawned and rubbed my head.

"And here," he said as he tossed things at me quickly.

I barely caught them.

"Smokes and Advil, you're probably experiencing your first tequila hang over so I came prepared," he said as he handed me the coffee as I popped some of the little pills gratefully.

"So how do we go about this?" I asked as I sipped my coffee and packed the cigarettes before taking two out and handing one to him.

"Once you're awake enough, in like three minutes, we're going out and buying supplies," Gerard said as he sipped his own coffee.

"Like this?" I asked as I looked down at my attire.

I had on green hospital scrubs that were rolled a bit and an old vintage Iron Maiden shirt. I didn't lack all style at least.

"Yup. Though I suggest that you find another shirt to paint in, unless you don't mind getting paint all over Maiden," Gerard said as he pointed at my shirt.

I shrugged my shoulders and took a drag. Switching my hot coffee to my cigarette hand I rubbed my eyes one last time and shuffled over to where my flip flops were located.

"Let's get this disaster on the road then. That way we have longer to paint," I said as I opened my front door, cigarette hanging from my lips and large coffee in hand as I pocketed some cash and my keys in the only back pocket on these pants.

I didn't even care what I looked like, I just wanted to get this started.

"Good then," Gerard said as he threw a random hoodie from the back of my couch at me, having it land on my head as he walked past.

**-xXx-**

An hour or so later Gerard and I arrived back at my apartment, supplies in hand. We had rollers and paint brushes of all sorts and gallons of all sorts of paint. White, which Gerard had insisted be on one wall, and then other colors like bright yellow, blood red, bright green, royal purple and black for the other walls. Gerard had also picked up some smaller containers of paint which he wouldn't let me look at nor tell me what they were for. He could be awfully frustrating to one only slightly hung over early in the morning. We had also picked up more coffee, even though I had some at the apartment, and snacks for the day. All of which Gerard insisted on paying for.

Back at the apartment we pushed everything and piled it all in the center of the room and covered it in tarp. We laid down drop cloths and taped out our edges, this all taking only half an hour. We were a power team. We decided to do one wall in stripes of yellow and purple and then the rest of the walls in solid colors with funky accents. Hence the odd colors. Room prepared, we got to work.

Five hours later we were finishing the last wall, the white wall. I was exhausted and Gerard looked it too. We had worked straight through, non stop except for snacks. We were covered in paint, as in my pants were stiff with it in parts, it was splattered all over our shirts, in our hair and any exposed skin was liberally covered as well. We may have been quick about it, and done a killer job, but we made one _HELL_ of a mess while doing it.

"I think my hands are permanently cramped in the form of holding a paintbrush and roller," I whined as I sat down onto the floor in a heap as I stared at the white wall we had just finished.

I may be whining but I was happier than I had ever been. The apartment looked like me, it felt like me, like a home. It was spunky, and outrageous, and slightly clashed, which was what I was finding out was me in the core. I really loved it, and it, I don't know, it felt right.

"Ditto, I can't even light my lighter," Gerard said as he pitifully tried to light the lighter in his hands to light the two cigarettes in his mouth.

"You're pathetic sometimes," I said as I reached over and lit the cigarettes.

On the second try. Ouch.

"So says the one that can't move her hands from their cramped position," Gerard said as he passed me one of the lit cancer sticks.

"Mmm, I'll give it to you on that one. Gotta pee, be back," I said as I stood up and made my way to the bathroom.

Business done I came back out to see Gerard shutting his phone and putting it back down.

"Gotta leave?" I asked.

I didn't know if I was bummed or not, but I surely knew that I wanted the glaringly white wall finished so it didn't burn my retinas with it's brightness.

"Nope. But you are," Gerard said as he stood and ashed into our coffee can for such purposes.

"Huh?" I asked confused.

"You are going out. Like now. With Sharon to do stuff while I finish," Gerard said like it should have been obvious that I was the one leaving.

"What? Leave you to finish by yourself? And like now? I can't change? Or shower?" I asked looking down at my liberally paint splatter covered self.

"Yup, you look fine. And yes finish by myself. I have a surprise for you. So throw on your hoodie and grab your bag she's outside waiting," Gerard said as he picked up my Cure hoodie and threw it at me.

I glared at him while I stuck it on. I readjusted my black bandana that I had tied around my head to keep my hair out of my face, though it still showed all over the place, and stuck my silver aviators on as I grabbed my bag.

"How long am I going to be out?" I asked as I tossed my cigarette butt into the can.

"For as long as it takes, probably the rest of the day or so. I'll call Sharon when it's time for her to bring you back. Don't worry, you can trust me," he said, the last part coming out sincere.

I smiled at him a bit.

"I do, thank god. Don't know why, but I trust you. But if I come back here and there are giant bright daisies all over that wall I will kill you and find an ugly replacement lead singer for your band," I warned as I turned and opened my door.

"Oh no! Not that!" Gerard said in mock fright.

I scoffed and made my way outside to the waiting Sharon to have a bonding day while Gerard painted my apartment with out supervision.

**-xXx-**

"Really? He did the dishes?" Sharon asked in amazement. 

We had gone for lunch at a little place that she loved, that she said wouldn't care about my scary appearance. Or that's what I called it, though I didn't really care as I use to walk around like this back in college. We were currently talking over our third cup of coffee since our plates had been cleared and our check been left at the table. 

"Yeah, he just grabbed some and went to the kitchen with them. When I came in with some more there he was, his hands almost elbow deep in suds and hot water, scrubbing away. I just didn't think much about it," I said as I blew across the top of my mug. 

"Wow, he never does the dishes on a whim. He always has to be shoved in the direction of the kitchen and chained to the sink. You've got a gift girl," Sharon joked as she took a sip. 

"Actually I think it was mainly because my apartment was a trash heap and he couldn't stand the sight of sitting in it. Because we cleaned the living room area as well," I laughed before taking a sip of my coffee. 

"Wow, cleaned the living room too? I think I will just let the apartment go and see if that motivates him. Though it will more than likely motivate Mikey first," Sharon joked. 

"Mikey lives with you guys?" I asked, intrigued. 

"Uh huh, those two have always lived together. Except for when Gerard was in school that is. Why, got a thing for the younger Way?" Sharon asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me as she did so. 

"Oh no, dear god no," I said as I laughed at the idea. 

"I don't have the head space at the moment to like a guy. It would be unfair to start a relationship with someone while I'm trying to find myself. It just wouldn't be right. Ya know?" I asked as I drank down half my coffee. 

"I get it, I get it. But you sure about Mikey? He is a cutie, and mad talented, and wears glasses," Sharon listed off. 

"Oh he is a cutie that's for sure, but yeah I'm sure. I might put him up for later inspection later on though, when I'm ready for a guy in my life. Who knows. Hell I could end up dating Bob for all I know. Or some random guy off the street, we'll have to wait and see," I said jokingly. 

"Or Frankie," Sharon shivered.

"Was that a good shiver or a bad shiver? Because I love Frankie to death," I said questioningly. 

"That was a scary shiver. I could never imagine dating Frankie. I mean don't get me wrong he's a great guy, but way too weird. And crazy to boot. Just not my dating type. Besides I have Gerard and that's enough for me," Sharon said with a pleasant smile on her face. 

**-xXx-**

"So you sure Sheela is going to be open today?" Sharon asked. 

After another cup of coffee we had finally paid and left. We had gone to the nearby park and just walked around talking, I told her about my past a bit. Giving her more insight into why I was here doing what I was doing. Explaining the things that had driven me to this place in my life. After almost an hour or so I had brought up how she had said she wanted to Waste of Breath, that this was a good a time as any. So we were on our way there. Almost there actually. 

"Well if she's not then we'll find something else to do," I said as we turned the corner to where the store was located. 

"Wha-La!" I said as we turned to see the store with an open sign in the door.

 

"I swear she has no life," Sharon said as we made out way into the store.

"Sheela!" I yelled real loud as I didn't see any other customers in the building. 

"You can call me Sheels Jay, I think we've past the point of full name at this point," Sheela yelled from somewhere out back. 

I shrugged my shoulders as I approached the counter that blocked the public from the back room and storage rooms. Eventually she came out carrying a plate covered in tin foil. 

"Brownie?" she asked as she bite the one in her hand and held the plate out to us. 

Sharon and I shrugged and grabbed one off the plate. 

"Someone get hit by the pregnant fairy?" I asked as I bit into the brownie gone haywire. 

It had white swirls, peanut butter swirls, chocolate chips, dark chocolate chunks, peanut butter chips, white chocolate pieces, and nuts. Like said, these were over the top brownies. 

"Nope," Sheela said shrugging her shoulders. 

"Someone smoke a lot of pot last night or this morning?" Sharon asked next. 

"Nada. I just got hella bored. And when I get hella bored I bake. And then I usually end up having to eat everything I bake. It's a vicious cycle. So what you girlies out doing today?" Sheela asked as she grabbed another almost two inch thick brownie. 

"We're out toodling around since Gee kicked Jay out of her apartment so he could finish painting in secret," Sharon explained.

"Uh ha, that would explain the current attire and body accessories," Sheela said smiling as she pointed at me paint covered self. 

I crinkled my nose at her. 

"So we're here to browse, to shop, to kill time. Sharon had said at the show how she had wanted to come in since it had been forever since the last time she had," I said nonchalantly as Sheela came out from behind the counter. 

"Sounds like bunches," Sheela chirped like a bird.

I gave her my best what the fuck look and she shrugged. 

"And the best part, Jay got Gee to do the dishes!" Sharon said excitedly. 

I had a feeling I wasn't going to hear the end of this for a good long time. 

"The _DISHES_?" Sheela exclaimed. 

Oh yes, and then," Sharon said as we traveled to the racks of clothing. 

This was going to be a long shopping trip. 

**-xXx-**

At the end of the two hours we spent in the store Sharon had one paper bag of stuff and a small plastic bag sporting the infamous Waste of Breath logo and colors with jewelry in it. I had a similar small bag in my hands as we stood to leave the store with promises to go out for something the next time Sheela had a day off, or when any of us did. 

I had bought a necklace that she had just got in. It was big, enormous actually, and it was perfect for me. It was turquoise and brown, with multiple strands of beads twirled together and a large turquoise piece hanging in the center. I loved it. 

"So what now?" I asked Sharon as we walked out the door, waving goodbye to Sheela as she ran for the phone that was ringing. 

"Movie?" Sharon suggested. 

"Sounds good to me. Wonder what Gerard's doing to my poor apartment," I said as we made our way down the streets back to her car. 

"Only god knows, especially since he hasn't called yet," Sharon replied. 

She was right. Only god knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evil secret Gerard is holed up in Jay's apartment unsupervised with paint!!!  
> Enjoy!


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that virus I got that was reeking havoc on my computer and making writing difficult?  
> Well it destroyed my computer. Kaputz! Dead! Done!  
> And well, I didn't exactly have the money lying around for a new one. Until very recently.  
> So between no laptop and no internet for a long while I feel like I gave up on all of you and I hope you don't feel too slighted! Because I'm back baby!!!  
> And full of a writing fire!

"That was the worst movie ever!" Sharon exclaimed as we walked out of the budget theater.

It was one of those that played movies that played movies that had gone out of normal theaters already. Where for five bucks you got a ticket, a medium popcorn and a large soda.

"I loved it, it was hysterical!" I said happily as I dance my way back to her car.

"Gah. It was stupid," Sharon exclaimed as she unlocked her door and then unlocked mine.

"Oh don't even. You laughed at parts," I teased as I got in.

"Uh huh," she said skeptically as she started her engine.

"Come on, Kung Pow will go down in history as the greatest spoof EVER!" I said cheerfully.

It really had been awesome. At first I had been wary, but by about ten minutes in I had been laughing so hard I had spilled my popcorn. Partially onto Sharon's lap. Gerard had texted during the movie saying it was okay that I go back.

"Fuck!" Sharon swore as we came to a stop light.

"What?" I asked as I tapped my fingers, craving a cigarette but knowing she didn't like smoking in her car.

She had said how she hated that Gerard always pushed the subject, saying that he smoked in his. I didn't feel the need to do the same, I liked her.

"I have to be at work in like twenty minutes and my uniform is at home. Shit!" she exclaimed as she hit the steering wheel as we turned the last corner to my apartment.

I found out that she worked third shift at a nursing home as a CNA. I had found it interesting as she didn't seem like the type of person to work at a job like that. But whatever paid the bills I guess, I couldn't say much, I worked in a diner. If any of my friends from school saw me they would laugh at me and ask me what I was doing with myself for working there, ask me why I was wasting my education at place like that. But I liked it. So it wasn't a high paying comfy job where I put my major to work. But I was happy. And the people I had met here didn't seem to judge me based on it, based on where my paycheck came from.

"Well just drop me off and run," I suggested as we pulled into the parking lot.

"Is that okay? You don't feel like I am abandoning you do you?" Sharon asked as I gathered my small bag and stuffed it into my large bag.

"Uh, no. You have to work, point in case. You'll get to see it at some point," I said as I placed my hand on the door handle.

"Alright then. I'm glad you're here Jay, for whatever reason. I'm glad to have another female in the mix. You might just be good for us," she said as I opened the door and heard loud music blasting from one of my apartment windows.

Thank god Reta didn't mind about loud noise.

"Thanks. But I think it's the other way around, I think you all are good for me," I said as I smiled and then looked up to the noise.

"That was said before you saw the condition of your apartment. Don't be too hasty," she teased as I got out and shut the door slowly.

I smiled and waved at her as she peeled out of the parking lot and made her way home at lightning speed to be able to get to work on time. Slowly I turned and sighed before making my way inside the building and up my stairs.

I paused on the staircase, at the fifth step and smiled as it creaked under my weight. It was too dark to snap the shot I wanted of the stairwell, but made a mental note to do it tomorrow during lunch break. At the top of the stairs in front of my door I paused to knock first, before entering.

"Gerard?" I asked loudly to be heard over the music.

I heard shuffling and then the music was turned down.

"Wait right there. And close your eyes, I'll get the door," Gerard said loudly as I heard the lock on the door being turned.

I closed my eyes like he said and waited to be led in.

"Okay, give me your bags and stand right there," Gerard said once I was inside my door.

I held out my bags for him to take and squeezed my eyes closed so not to be tempted to open them before he said. I felt him take my bags and then shut the door behind me. I patiently waited till I felt him take a hold of my hand and lead me forward. His hands were warm.

"Okay. Open," he said softly right next to my ear.

He must of been standing directly next to me.

Slowly I opened my eyes. And gasped.

"Oh my god Gerard. It's, it's, it's beautiful," I said, feeling at a loss for words.

The white wall was no longer completely white anymore. Now it was graced with color. Not only color, but the most beautiful painting I had ever seen. Nothing I had ever seen in museums could ever compare to the piece sitting before me. It combined techniques from my favorite artists and paintings I had told Gerard about during our day in the museum, but then it held something else. There was a sky painted similar to Starry Night, but then underneath it was incredible black work, highlighted with blue. I walked closer to inspect it, wanting to run my fingers over the work but not knowing how dry the paint was.

"I've never seen anything like this," I breathed softly as I held my hand up, aching to run my fingers over the line work.

"You can touch it, it's been dry for hours," Gerard said from behind me a ways, still back at the couch.

Taking his word for it I reached out and traced the black strokes, letting myself memorize the texture and direction of every stroke. There was a giant tree made from broad strokes mixed with quick smaller ones. The Starry Night sky line faded into white and then his personal work took over. The tree graced most of the right side of the wall, and was not only highlighted by blue but silver as well, and it's roots were shown growing and weaving their way to the bottom of the wall. There was a figure standing on what had been painted as the road horizon, in quick barely visible strokes. Almost as if it didn't matter what they were standing on, only that they were standing on something solid. The figure had it's hands raised and stretched outwards, as if trying to fly or to absorb everything around them. And a few stars had fallen from the skyline so thick with color, seeming to almost turn to dust as they fell down on the figure. It was gorgeous.

"Why? I. It's. Oh my god Gerard. It's unbelievable," I said as I turned to look at him standing behind me.

He was smiling, but not smirking for once. Just smiling. Slowly he walked towards where I was standing.

"You had said you had wanted to see some of my personal art, some of what I did. Well here it is, this is what I do when no one is looking," Gerard said as he himself traced some of the lines of the dried paint.

"Who is it?" I asked after a few moments of silence as we stared and admired the painting together.

"I don't know really. It's a combination really. It's a little of me, it's a little of something else I don't know but just felt seemed right. And, and it's a little of you. The you I've come to know and the you I see you becoming as you stay here. It's a message, about finding your way I guess. Because sometimes you don't have to aim for the stars, sometimes the stars come to you, sometimes they choose to grace you with their presence," Gerard said without looking at me.

I was in awe. It was parts of me? He had painted me into the piece? I didn't know what to say really, once again his words had left me without.

"Come on, that's not all. There's a reason this has been dry for hours," he said suddenly after the silence I was unable to fill.

Softly he took my hand and led me towards my bedroom.

"You painted my room?" I asked all of a sudden as we reached what I now saw was my closed bedroom door, which had been left open earlier.

"Uh huh. Don't worry I didn't go rifling through your drawers or anything," he said teasingly as he dropped my hand to open the door for me.

"Close your eyes one more time," he said as he cracked the door and I had tried to peer in.

Obediently I closed my eyes and let myself be led into my room.

"Okay open," he said once I heard him flick on the lights.

Slowly I opened them and gasped once again. The room had been painted in stripes of black and white, with stripes of purple and red thrown in randomly. The stripes were of varying degrees of thickness, not unified in size.

But that wasn't even the best part. In two corners he had left the wall white, it looked almost as if the painted stripes had been removed with a giant eraser, the white space not being a solid shape. And then in the white spots were paintings similar to the one out in the living room, though slightly darker, sadder.

As I gazed at them I knew that I was getting a glimpse of what it was like inside his head, inside his thoughts. It was dark, sad, trapped yet beautiful to the point of bringing one to tears. It was where his lyrics came from, where his passion came from and it left me feeling small. But not in a bad way. Small in the sense that I was in the presence of something greater than myself, greater than anything fabricated in this modern world, something so great that it was misunderstood by those around it.

Finally I stood up from my crouched position and then saw the rest of the detail. He had taken gold, silver, and yellow and painted over the stripes. There were stars littering the walls, they almost seemed to shine on their own accord. And then there were words scrawled about in a handwriting that I guessed could only be unique to Gerard. Words that I didn't quite know. I turned to look at Gerard to ask him what they were.

"They're lyrics of mine. From songs we do, songs we have yet to do but hopefully will at some point. And lyrics I don't know if I'll ever let be published," Gerard answered me without me having to ask.

"I, I don't know what to say. How lame is that," I joked to cover up my lack of words.

"It's okay. I mean as long as you don't hate it," Gerard said all of sudden sounding scared that I might reject what was inside of him that he had brought out for me to see.

"Oh never. It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's haunting, and sad, and tumultuous, and makes me never want to leave my apartment. I don't know how I could ever thank you," I said as I turned to look at him.

"I would settle for you never leaving Jersey," Gerard said as he smiled back, more of his infamous smirk than anything else.

"We'll see," I joked back.

**-xXx-**

Gerard had stayed to help clean up the mess, even after I had said that it was preposterous that he do so since he had painted everything. He gave me the look, one that I was guessing he had learned from Bob. And that had been that, I let him stay. We cleaned and then he said he should get back so Mikey didn't think he had dropped off the planet completely.

After he had left I had made myself dinner and smiled at how Sharon had said he never did dishes at their place and how she had said she was going to let the apartment go to see if he would. I had eaten in silence in the living room, staring at the white wall with it's glorious painting on it, forgetting about the other colors gracing the main room.

Afterwards I had left my plate on my coffee table type thing and showered to remove most of the paint dried and crusted on my body from the days earlier work. Crawling into bed I took out my book, making a mental note to photograph the paintings later. Taking my trusty heavily chewed pen I wrote an entry.

_**"I never knew how much paint it took to create a whole new world, till today. Spring green, ocher red and sun yellow clash in a way that brings a smile to my face. I was found in still frame, painted in uneven strokes on a wall that once held so much potential and now just held me. And Gerard. Stars choose to fall from time to time, on their own accord. I found a similar mindset in a girl so unlike myself, yet just the same. Chipmunk nunchucks will make the world a better place. I hope the fifth step never gets fixed, it's a warning to all mankind of what's to come. The inevitable. Jersey feels more and more like home, but does it feel like me? I don't know. But it's speaking to me, through every creaky step, coat of paint, and tuned amp."**_

I smiled a bit as I grabbed the color paint chips from the hardware store, the ones we had decided on. I ripped off the color swatches we had used in the apartment and stuck them in as a reminder, taped together into a new strip. Closing the journal I turned over and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* Another favorite chapter of mine SIMPLY for the art that is created in it.  
> Every time I reread the part about what Gerard painted on the walls I get goose bumps.
> 
> I'm also so sorry for the shortness of this chapter but I only wanted to focus on the beginning of the awkward friendship between Jay and Sharon and I really wanted to focus on Gerard's art on the walls.
> 
> And I figured you'd guys like a chapter sooner rather than later!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

Four months. Four long months I had been working at Reta's, day in and day out, happy as ever. The guys had become a staple in my life, taking up as much of my time as I would let them, which was most of it. I still took my days where I would go to the library, or to the museum, but I let them monopolize most of it. I had brought them over to hang out at my place several times, they had awed at the paint job the first time and I think I saw Sharon's eyes water.

I had gone to every show that they had had, especially since they were going on tour soon, Warped Tour. It was big doings. And I didn't know how I felt about having them gone for so long, I believed that I was fine with it. It didn't bother me so much, especially when I had some time before that happened. Sharon was even going along, so that left me mostly to myself. Sheela and Star were both going to be here so that helped. But I liked the idea of being on my own again, I loved the guys more than anything, but they were _ALWAYS_ around. And I figured the alone time would help me find more of myself.

Though that's not to say that they hadn't help me in that department. I found that I loved sushi, and that Mikey and I shared that as a love. I learned that I loved laughing at stupid shit, and that swearing came to me like second nature from time to time, yet not all the time. I found out that I was eccentric in most people's eyes, but loved regardless. I had come to know all the regulars at Reta's and had their orders memorized like my own name.

My friends from my other life had contacted me and I had finally spoken to them. I had been avoiding them to a point at first till I knew I had something concrete to tell them, something solid to give them as evidence. And afterwards I realized that they really weren't a part of my life anymore, they weren't attuned to the person I was finding myself to be. One of them had even accused me of running away, which I had to admit was awfully close to what I had really done. But it wasn't so much life itself that I had been running away from, it had been the shadow of my formal self that was swallowing me whole that I had run from. And I had lost it in time, no, more like I had turned and finally faced it, and won the battle.

So so far Jersey was perfect, life here was perfect, and I was beginning to find out that the person I really was was perfect as well. It all seemed to good to be true, almost fairy tale like, like something bad **HAD** to happen eventually for this to be reality. But I didn't dwell on it, I decided to live life moment by moment and deal with the unpleasantness, if any, when it came.

I was currently fiddling with my uniform once again in front of the mirror, like I always did in the mornings. I still hated having to wear a dress for a uniform, but I lived with it, it went with the feel of the diner. At least Reta didn't have us on roller skates or anything such ridiculous type thing. Sighing I straightened my dress once more and slid my things into my apron before heading down the stairs.

As I got to the door to the back of the kitchen I heard shuffling around and whispered voices. I was little scared a first, not knowing what was going on the other end and fearing for the worst. Of course I knew that nothing had to be wrong, but it stemmed from my feeling that things were too perfect. Slowly I opened the door and pushed my way in. The kitchen was empty, and slightly dark, Ernie wasn't back there and neither was Sam. I made my way out to the front.

"Hello?" I asked from behind the counter, the lights were off which was odd.

"Surprise!"

I stood there shocked. Ernie, Reta and Sam burst up from where they were hiding and the lights were flicked on. Reta was holding a small cake and beaming me a smile. I had no idea what was going on, as my birthday was a little ways away, which Reta knew as she had the info for paying purposes.

"Uh, what's this for?" I managed to stutter.

"It's to celebrate you being with us for four months!" Reta said happily as she put the cake on the counter.

It looked to be one of her homemade ones, with "Four Long Months Jay Bird" written across the top in lime green lettering. Jay Bird had taken on as a new nickname for me since Gerard had started calling me it on a whim. The cake made me smile, and I smiled more as I looked up at saw everything else. There were a few balloons bopping their way along the ceiling, and a congratulations banner above the middle booths.

"Jersey sure is weird," I said happily as I took the knife from Reta she was holding out so I could cut the cake.

I sliced up the cake and we feasted before getting back to work to open for the day. Though the decorations Reta left up so others would know, it made me smile.

The morning went as it usually did, though the guys didn't come in when they normally did before they went off to their respective works or to band practice. It was odd not to have them in first thing in the morning, but figured that all schedules get jumbled from time to time.

At about eight o'clock though, the front door came bursting open and a shouting group of familiar faces came running in.

"Jay, Jay, Jay! Guess what, guess what, guess what?" Frank yelled loudly, not really disturbing the patrons as they were use to him.

"What, what, what, Frankie, Frankie, Frankie?" I asked, mimicking him.

"We're going on tour," Frank said loudly and happily.

I smiled back at him and his enthusiasm for the littlest things.

"I know Frankie. Warped Tour, it's big doings. But I knew already," I teased as I made more coffee behind the counter.

All the rest of the guys were silent but had similar shit eating grins plastered on their faces, seeming to be almost in a daze as they sat down.

"No it's changed," Frankie said as he sat down along with everyone else.

I stopped making the coffee, but didn't turn.

"How?" I asked as I remembered that I was making coffee.

"We got added to other stops on the tour," Frankie said giddily as I went to go get their drink orders.

"Oh that's sweet," I said just as happy as I got his orange juice.

"So that means we're leaving today!" Frankie said with even more enthusiasm.

I felt my heart stop. Today? They were leaving **TODAY**?

"That's great guys," I managed to choke out as I swallowed my momentary shock and placed a happy for you smile on my face and gave them their drink orders.

"I can't believe it. They said they wanted us for more stops because they liked our sound that much," Gerard said, still in a partial daze.

"Who wouldn't," I said as I poured him his normal coffee, trying not to lose my smile.

I didn't know why it was affecting me so much. I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought for them to be leaving. I guess I had figured it would be easier to deal with with all the time we had till they were suppose to leave. They were going to be here for my birthday, and now I would be spending it in a new city, in a new state, all by myself. For the most part. But I was happy for them, this was big.

As I finished filling their drink orders I smiled and then made my way back to where Reta was placing an order on the wheel. I quickly jotted down what I knew the guys would order and hung it up.

"I'll be back in a sec, I gotta use the restroom," I said as I stuck my order in and made my way to the employee restroom in the back.

Getting in I locked the door and went into the stall and locked that door after me as well. Sitting down on the toilet I placed my elbows on my knees and my face into my palms. And cried. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought. I didn't know why I was crying, they'd only be gone for a little while, and I had known this. I summed my tears up to stemming from the feeling that had taken up residence in my gut. The feeling that everything was too perfect and that something had to go wrong to even out the balance of things.

Five minutes later I had washed my face, fixed my eyeliner and removed any evidence of my randomly shed tears. Putting a smile on my face I walked back out, hoping to spend the rest of the time the guys were in the diner before they left with them.

"You all right hun?" Reta asked as I came back out.

"Oh yeah, just didn't feel good for a second," I said as I took up my filled orders.

"You need to go home?" Reta asked as she picked up her own.

"Nope, I'm good. It passed," I said as I brought the guys their dishes.

**-xXx-**

The guys had left with promises to call since I had put my cell phone back into working order again. I had wished them luck and then had gone back about my work. So my smile may have been a little forced for the rest of the day, but I knew it would be back to normal the next day. I was good at getting over things quick.

I finished the day and had tallied up everything, my tips, my orders, all of it and then said goodbye to Reta and everyone before heading upstairs. My feet felt heavy and I knew that I needed fresh air to clear things up in my head space. I decided that I would change and go for a walk, possibly pick up a new book from the library to read since I would be having plenty of days alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a little short.  
> I'm horrible.
> 
> Also... life can't always be good right? At some point it has to balance out right?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.
> 
>  
> 
> (De ja vu again? Probably because I have this posted other places!!!)

I walked into my apartment and tossed my apron with it's stuff in it to the side, having it land on the chair I had put to the side of the door for just said purposes. Flicking on my lights I stopped dead in my tracks. There was something on my coffee table with a sheet over it. Walking over slowly I looked down and saw that their was a note stuck to the top with a safety pin. Unlatching it I picked up and recognized Gerard's tell tale handwriting.

_**"First off, Reta gave me a key. I didn't break and enter, I promise. Next I know that we were suppose to be here longer before we left but that's how music goes. But most of all I know that we were suppose to be here for your birthday, your very first in Jersey. And now we won't be. So the guys, Sharon and I left you our gifts on the table as a surprise. We thought it might make up for it a little bit, not entirely, but some. And don't wait for your birthday to open them, open them now. Don't go out, stay home and open gifts. We'll be thinking about you every day on tour. Know that as fact.** _

_**Missing you already,** _

_**~Gerard, Frankie, Mikey, Bob, Ray and Sharon"** _

I smiled at the note and placed it on the couch next to me as I sat down and lifted the sheet off the pile. And it really was a pile. There was a box of some sort from each of them wrapped in various styles. I knew which one was Frankie's by the way it looked like a three year old had wrapped it. A three year old on a sugar high from hell was more like it. Laughing I picked that one up first and opened it.

Inside the odd shaped box was red water gun, a stuffed lizard that had a handmade name tag telling me his name was Frankie, and a vegetarian cookbook. And last was a fairy calendar, with a note on the outside that told me to mark the dates listed down on it and to mark each off till they came back. Leave it to Frankie to pick the weirdest gifts ever, and yet ones that I would love.

Bob got me a rubber devil duckie set that had like six different kinds, some of which lit up and blinked different colors when you ran a finger across their undersides, and an ashtray that looked vintage almost from the sixties, and was this great yellow color. Ray got me an amazing silver Zippo lighter that had gorgeous designs etched into the silver, a bottle of lighter fluid, along with an Ugly doll that made me smile as he had bought a little guitar and slung it on the doll.

Mikey's was wrapped in the comic strips from the newspaper, ever so Mikey. He had given me an Iron Maiden CD, a do it at home sushi kit, a pair of gorgeous looking chopsticks and my very own My Chemical Romance t-shirt with a note saying that it was the first one they had pressed for the tour, brand new design and all.

Sharon's was wrapped beautifully, everything matching and all the corners perfectly folded. It made me smile thinking about the time she must have spent just wrapping the box in it's glorious ochre red paper and purple accents. Inside was a pair of flats I had seen at Waste of Breath, that were a toxic green color with orange bows, she had said when we first saw them that they clashed so loud they were literally screaming my name. Also there was a bottle of black nail polish, a new book I had wanted to buy and an appointment card from Star's salon. Guess I really did need a touch up on my color.

Last I opened Gerard's present, and it looked as if he had taken as much time in picking out the wrappings as Sharon had in wrapping hers. It was black and white striped paper with a yellow bow and a red and purple ribbon with a blue card with my name on it. Smiling I opened the box and peered inside.

I took out the first one that was a frame wrapped in blue tissue paper. Tearing it off I gazed at the six pictures in the frame that was rectangles set off one another. There was the half shot of me laughing that he had taken that first day out, and the one of the two of us together that he had also taken that day. There was one of all of us outside the venue of the second show I had ever attended, this picture being in color unlike the other two. Then in one was a pencil sketching of the picture of me, a copy of the photo of me that was in the frame already, the black and white one that was only a partial shot of my face laughing. His attention to detail was amazing. The next one was one of Frankie I had taken in the car that first trip to a show, when Ray had dumped orange soda all over him. Gerard had made it black and white, but the orange soda I had caught mid spill had been left bright orange. Frankie's face was purely priceless as the cold beverage had fallen all over him. The last was one taken at night, and one I hadn't taken actually, so it must have been one he had taken. It was a time lapse shot of near the Welcome to New Jersey sign on the busy interstate. There were cars driving past at fast speeds, leaving trails of colors from their lights, yet the sign was in focus. I loved it.

I remembered Gerard asking to take some of my photos from their performances to use to promote their band. I had said yes, and it seemed that he had taken more than just those photos from my computer. Not that I minded.

Placing it down beside me I dug out the next, this one being wrapped in a burnt sienna colored tissue paper and having a hefty weight to it. Unwrapping it I saw it was a new lens for my camera, which must have cost a fortune. Smiling I piled all my goodies on the table and got rid of all the wrappings, making sure to keep the note from the sheet.

Garbage taken out to the dumpster and disposed of I went back. It was now almost ten o'clock and I was more tired than I had expected. Back in my apartment I picked up the picture frame piece from Gerard and looked for a place to put it. Finally I found it. Grabbing a nail I had lying around from hanging other things up I grabbed my hammer and went to work.

Nail finally in and frame piece hung I stepped back to admire my work. There had been a low lying branch painted on the tree on the white wall, sticking out all on it's lonesome and it was the perfect place to hang the frames. It looked almost as if the little individual frames all held together into one geometric piece were fruit of the tree. Almost as if Gerard had painted the limb for just said purpose. Smiling I took my other gifts and walked into my room and placed them on my bed.

I quickly hopped into the shower before sliding into pajamas for the night and putting my gifts on top of my dresser, taking the group note with me to put away as a memory. As I crawled under my covers I leaned over to my small bedside type table that contained one little drawer. Pulling it open I stuck my hand in to pull out my journal but came in contact with soft gauzy ribbon instead.

Sitting up straight I pulled the drawer all the way open and stuck my hand back inside once again and pulled out the foreign object. It was a thin white rectangular box with shear black gauzy ribbon tied around it then forming a bow on the top. There was a small tag tied to the bow which I had to untie to get to it. Sliding the card off I brought it up to read.

_**"Sometimes words aren't the art but the tool for purveying the hidden meaning** _

_**-G"** _

Smiling I put the little card beside me and finished untying the shear black ribbon to be able to lift the lid from the small box. I lifted the lid and pushed back the black tissue paper that had been oh so neatly folded to enclose the gift below.

As I pulled back the final piece I felt myself gasp a little. Sitting on little wooden risers were two gorgeous pens, worked with silver, gold and bright colored enamels. I simply stared at them as I ran a finger over the smooth texture of their shiny bodies. I had no idea if, nor when ever, I would ever use them as my pens generally had a tendency to end up in my mouth to be chewed on while thinking. I cringed inwardly at the idea of even unconsciously harming these pens. But then again I knew I couldn't _NOT_ use them as that would be not very kind. Sighing I placed the white box with it's exquisite gifts on top of my bedside table and cracked open my journal and began to write with my old chewed pen as I normally did.

_**"The guys left early today, for tour, and I found myself unable to deal with the news. A hole has been placed on the little bit of Nirvana I had come to call Jersey. I was greeted with a pile of wonders at the end of the day. They remembered. I was given tools to inscribe the world as I see it, and as he said, sometimes words aren't the art but the tool for purveying the hidden meaning. Jersey is speaking to me a bit more, through badly wrapped packages and clashing satin ribbon."** _

Satisfied with my entry I placed the note from them all between the pages along with the small note from the last gift and then closed the journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww they remembered!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Physical violence ahead!

The first picture I took with the new lens from Gerard was the creaky fifth step on the stairwell, and I couldn't have prayed for a better day outside allowing the light to shine in just right. It really was breathtaking in my book, if a picture of a stain worn wooden stair could be breathtaking that is. But it was to me and it purveyed everything I had wanted it to. The new lens was smooth and made me go out more often, able to get better distance shots, or shots from atop buildings, as I had found myself doing more and more often. Searching for the soul of Jersey from a bird's eye view, looking down with out it knowing it was being watched. I liked things unplanned.

The guys called often, often right when I was at work, they seemed to forget that while they were out playing rock star I was not living with the same time schedule, I still worked my normal shift. But I didn't mind, I liked receiving the eleven million messages at the end of the night, plenty of long ramblings of what was passing outside the window as the drove by, by Frankie. So long in fact that the phone would cut him off and he would call back to continue his description of the sky line, or the surrounding animal life. Really quite thrilling, but anything Frankie said was fun to listen to, especially since he was always so enthralled about each and every thing, like he had never experienced it before, he really did have the heart of a child. All the guys left messages, telling me of the newest and more current anecdote from tour. It was really like they weren't so far away from me.

When there weren't a million messages from everyone I spent my time at the museum, expanding my repertoire of sketches and doodles, trying to find a muse in a pencil line like Gerard did. But failing miserably as it wasn't where my talent lie. But I found myself wanting to do things that not only reminded me of all the guys but of Gerard strongest of all. I didn't know, but I felt a kinship to him more so than the others, even though Frankie and I were like two bumpy peas in a pod. I didn't know what it was but I found myself going to that hill top he had taken me to that first night, to hear Jersey, and snapping shots of it, or any other of million places. I just shrugged it off, especially since my feelings were off a little as late. The whole _this is too highly surreal and way to paperback novel perfect like and about to blow up in my face because of that_ feeling still hadn't gone away.

My birthday came quicker than I had expected, I blamed it on the fact that I found a new series at the public library that had swallowed me whole and had yet to spit me back out again. But that's what I loved about good books, how they could take you away and transport you somewhere else, not that I needed to be anywhere more perfect that here, but it was still nice.

This time around when I came downstairs for work it wasn't just Reta, Ernie and Sam there surprising me as I walked in, it was just about every single one of the regulars. That was a whole bunch of people to squeeze into hiding spots in a not so large diner, and it made me smile. And almost cry, though not sad tears. I really couldn't believe that they had done this for me, a little miss nobody from Kansas, transplanted into their city, into their state. My whole day had been wonderful, almost fairy tale like, people who hadn't been there in the morning coming in on their normal times and wishing me birthday tidings. People brought baked goods and dishes of food as presents, and I had a feeling that I was going to gain twenty pounds just from making a tiny dent in all the items brought for me by everyone. Reta made Sam take it up to my apartment in batches so it didn't overflow much needed counter space.

When work finally ended I was pretty sure I wasn't going to have to buy food for the next month, especially since I didn't have the guys around to help dig in. At the thought of the guys it made my face drop a little, they hadn't called all day, and they hadn't called the day before either. I knew they did everything for me before they left, but I still would have liked to hear from them on the actual day. It was still odd celebrating my first birthday in a new state, city, section of the country. And while everything else had been so perfect this one little thing kind of killed it for me, and while I tried to keep up my happy face as I walked to the nearby coffee shop for a special birthday coffee I couldn't really. Birthdays had always been a touchy subject for me, just always been that way.

**-xXx-**

After I ordered my coffee and waited for it I watched people passing outside the large glass windows, getting to their final destinations for the night, bustling about their business. I wondered if any of them had their birthdays today, or if they knew anyone who did and if so what they'd be doing. I periodically checked my phone every twenty seconds or so, to see if they had called even though I had put it on vibrate to be able to hear it over the inner workings of the cafe. I didn't know why I was wanting them to call so bad, I had only just begun to know them, to be thought of as a friend, but for some gut reason I really wanted them to call. Finally my order was up and I took it, thanking the tired looking college student behind the counter and made my way out of the cafe, hot cup of joe in hand.

I walked down the street, people thinning as this part of town never got much street foot traffic at night, but it didn't really bother me. As I got next to a closed up convenient store I heard someone's cell phone go off and automatically thought of mine. Placing my coffee down on the street so I could frantically search for mine I fumbled around till I found it. Taking it out I saw that it hadn't been mine, besides, mine was on vibrate and not ring. Sighing I went to put it back in my pocket and to pick my coffee back up when I felt the wind knocked out of me, my phone knocked from my hands and my vision go momentarily blurry as a sharp pain cracked through my head.

As I came back around I felt a weight on my body as I unconsciously tried to struggle, someone was on top of me, body on my torso, holding me down. I went to cry out but I felt hands wrap themselves around my throat and squeeze. I was being strangled.

I fought back, trying to scratch but my assailant was wearing gloves and a long jacket making it impossible for me to get a grip on him. As I tried flailing about I felt my lack of air start to take in effect, gasping like a fish out of water. My ears started to hum, and my eyes kept closing, I was going to end soon if I didn't do something, my vision was going grey. Lolling my head to the side I saw my abandoned coffee still where I had placed it.

Reaching out as I kicked my legs as a distraction I grabbed a hold of it and squeezed so the top popped off and then tossed it into my assailants eyes.

I heard him scream and I gasped for air as his hands flew off my neck to his own face, and if I hadn't already known he was male his scream of agony would have given it away. As he scrambled to get off me I kicked out as hard as I could, hoping to get him square where it hurts and I succeeded as I heard him gasp in a different kind of pain and drop to the ground. I was still struggling to breathe and my vision was still unfocused as I tried to crawl away, the pain in my head and limbs making it hard for me to move. As I crawled, trying to get away before my assailant got up to try again, which I knew I couldn't fight again I saw my saving grace. My phone. It was bumping around on the broken gravel, someone was calling and it was vibrating around. I silently thanked whatever that it wasn't on ringer so as to not alert my attacker.

As I finally reached my phone I pushed on, by flipping it open, and put it to my ear, hoping to get whomever it was to call the cops, or something.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Jay! Happy birthday to you!" all the guys and Sharon chorused on their end of the phone.

I gasped into the phone, trying to speak but finding my throat still in too much pain and too damaged to form words.

"Jay?" I heard a worried Gerard ask over the phone.

I rasped hoarsely into the phone again, which was more vocal than my last attempt had been. Time slowed, I had no idea how long this was taking, and my vision started to blur again, this time more severe.

"Jay? What's going on?" Gerard asked, sounding freaked.

"Help," I managed to gasp out before my world went black, no idea if my attacker had stuck around to finish the job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit has hit the fan.  
> Because we can't have perfect without the bad.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is 3 or so days late!  
> I got the nastiest of colds, like a super head cold.  
> The kind where I couldn't even sit up at the angle I needed to to write because I couldn't breathe.
> 
> But better late than never right?  
> And at least I can breathe now!  
> Mostly. . .

I woke up to see the ceiling of my bedroom. I thought that maybe it had all been a dream till I tried to turn my head to the side, it sent rivers of pain through my whole body. And as I tried to gasp out loud in pain I caused myself more inexplicable pain when I tried to speak. My throat felt like there was a ten pound metal collar around it and it was set on fire.

"Jay?" I heard a hoarse and tear filled voice ask from across my bed.

I looked over and saw Reta jump up from my chair and make her way over to my bed side in a heart beat. She looked worn from worry and tear streaks stained her cheeks from her red rimmed eyes. She looked so old, and so small, something I had never imagined she could pull off. She was the strongest person I knew.

"Oh god Jay you're awake," Reta said happily as she kissed my forehead repeatedly.

I managed a weak nod before moving my chapped lips as if to speak.

"Don't talk just yet, hold on," she said as she opened up her phone, pounded in numbers and placed it to her ear.

"She's awake," Reta said as she snapped her phone shut.

Within less than a minute I heard clambering outside my apartment and then my front door burst open and heavy fast foot steps make their way to my room. Ernie burst in carrying a large tray and Sam was behind him, carrying something. Ernie placed the tray down on my bedside table, it contained a larger pitcher of water and cups, aspirin and everything else under the sun a patient with a damaged throat could possibly want. Sam placed down right next to the bed a giant plastic cooler and lifted the lid so Reta could inspect the content, and I sneaked a peak in. It held a container of ice chips taking up one half of the cooler. The other half was full of popsicles of all kinds and shapes, pudding, jello, sliced lemon wedges, little containers of napoleon ice cream and frozen peas and ice packs, all set on a bed of ice to keep just that cold. The frozen peas of course to be used as an ice pack as well, not to be ingested. Ernie had also brought more tea bags than I could shake a fist at and an electric kettle to make tea.

"Thank you," I whispered, my throat still hurting.

"We, we didn't take you to the hospital right off because Gerard had said not to, not until you had said your peace about it. Said something about you not liking hospitals," Reta said as she filled a cup with ice chips, ice water and squeezed a lemon wedge into it and dropping it in before sticking in a straw and holding it for me to sip from.

I leaned forward and took a long sip, letting the cold liquid soothe my chapped lips and damaged throat.

"Thank you. I don't like them, Gee was right," I said, shortening his name so as not to stress myself.

It was true, I didn't like hospitals and rather avoid them at all costs. Unless I was bleeding to death or severely dying I didn't go to them. It was my personal choice and a long story I really didn't feel like explaining right at the moment to them all. But the three of them seemed to get it for they nodded their heads in an understanding way.

"Do you want to file a report?" Reta asked.

"Maybe, I didn't get a look at the guy so it wouldn't do much good," I said hoarsely, wondering if my voice would ever get back.

I leaned my hand out and struggled to pop the top on the pain meds, Reta took from me and did it herself, shaking out a little over the suggested highest dosage. But this was a special case and I didn't have doctor prescribed pain medication to help. I took them from her gratefully and popped them into the little I could open my mouth and swallowed them with a giant gulp of ice water. I watched as Reta reached into the cooler and scooped another cup into the ice chips. This one she just placed next to my water cup.

"For eating," she explained as I glanced over at it.

I once again nodded my head in understanding. I felt my eyes start to close, I was overly tired after it. But then a question popped into my head and I wondered why I hadn't asked it right off. Probably the shock from all the trauma.

"How?" I asked.

Reta caught my drift.

"Gerard called me to tell me what he knew. He was hysteric, saying they had called to wish you happy birthday and that you hadn't really responded, that all there was was painful sounding breathing on your end. And then after you had managed to gasp out help your end had gone dead. He tried to get you to talk for a bit before grabbing Mikey's phone and dialing me. He said that your phone was still on so the GPS was tracking where you were. He told me you were close to that cafe and Ernie and I ran to get you. We found you unconscious and not looking so hot. We brought you here after checking for vitals and finding you still with us. Gerard explained about you and hospitals and here you are. The guys should be here tomorrow or so, they're dropping the tour to come home early.

"NO!" I managed to say loudly, and while I paid for it in pain it got my point across.

The three standing in front of me had shocked looks on their faces, like I had grown a second and third head.

"Call them. And tell them. That I'm fine," I said in pieces, throat hurting more from my loud outburst.

"Tell them to continue the tour and to not blow it. They already helped save my life they don't need to blow their futures," I said slowly, taking my time to form the words so as not to stress my throat.

It was hard work and made me scared once again for the future state of my throat and voice.

"Gerard's not going to like this very much," Reta warned, shaking her head but looking like she understood my point of view.

"Tell him I will never. Speak to him again if he doesn't listen. And I'll stop. Taking pictures," I threatened, meaning every word of it.

I wasn't going to let them ruin everything they had worked so hard on, way before I was a part of the picture, for something like checking in on me. Reta was more than capable of filling them in on how I was doing till I could talk better and do it myself.

"All right dear, I will. And I'll make sure he sticks to it and doesn't come back. You get some rest and just push 4 on your speed dial if you need anything. One of us will be up in a jiffy," Reta said as she patted my hand and kissed my forehead before standing to leave with her husband and Sam.

I nodded my head yes and felt my eyes close on their own. I really was tired.

**-xXx-**

I slept, and drank, and eventually ate, and then slept some more for a good long while. It was almost a week before I was even able to get out of bed on my own, I was really worked over. It wasn't until I was sure I could get there on my own that I let myself look at my reflection, to asses the outward damage. As I raised my eyes to my mirror I flinched, both inwardly and outwardly. There were ugly bruises scarring the flesh around my neck. I looked like an extra from a bad horror movie or t.v. show about victims of heavy abuse. I was sallow in color and had bags under my eyes even though all I did was sleep. I felt tears stream down my face as I continued to look at my image. It was fairly awful to behold.

After that, when I could I would shuffle my way out to my living room and sit in the sunlight on my couch or comfy chair, soaking it in. Sometimes just napping, sometimes just staring outside or at the painting gracing my not so white anymore wall. I didn't talk much as I was trying to save my voice as much as possible. That and I really didn't want to hear how bad it still was.

I eventually called the guys, mainly Gerard, on my own to talk to them. As Gerard had picked up I got an ear full, and it sounded like he was doing it all in one breath, with no signs of stopping. So I just sat there and let him get it all out, listening to every word, knowing full well it would be pointless to try and get a word in edge wise.

"And in the end, you're the dumbest and luckiest person in the entire world," Gerard finished gasp like.

Guess it had really been close to all in one breath like I had guessed.

"Sorry, but I wasn't going to let you fuck things up," I said simply as a lot of what he had ranted about had been how I wouldn't let him and the guys come back and see me.

And take care of me. Which I **REALLY** wouldn't have any of.

"You're insufferable," Gerard pouted on his end of the phone, realizing he wasn't going to win this fight.

I had made my point final and was going to hear no more about it.

"And you're the lead singer of an almost highly famous band. Same thing," I said back, trying to joke.

"I miss you. As does everyone else," Gerard said after the moment of silence that followed his chuckle at my little try at a joke.

"And I miss you guys. You'll get here when you get here," I said slowly, still trying to conserve my voice.

"I know, it's just that well this sucks. Jay I gotta go, we're being called in for sound check. Call me whenever you can okay?" Gerard asked, sounding scared that I wouldn't.

"Will do," I said slowly.

I heard him hang up and then set my phone down and curled up on my couch, falling asleep in the sun light streaming in through my living room window.

**-xXx-**

I kept up that routine for about two more weeks before I started to go stir crazy. I was better on the inside at least and staying cooped up in my apartment was driving me bonkers. My voice was still a little raspy from everything but it didn't hurt to talk really, as long as I kept it low. My body was not aching all the time any more, and while my throat still bore marks of the fateful night it didn't hurt as bad. This all being said I decided to go back to work. Reta fought long and hard with me on the subject, but in the end I won. I had always known I was as stubborn as a mule, and twice as ornery.

I had taken a great black and white checkered bandana I now newly owned and tied it around my neck, to cover the ugly bruises. Not that I was worried about people knowing, as everyone who ate at Reta's knew by now, as evident by the cards and flowers and food I had received in droves. It was more so that people didn't have to stare at the ugliness of them, and lose their appetite. Lord knows I still couldn't stomach much after looking at them in the mirror for too long so avoided it as much as possible. The worse part was that they were in the shape of two distinctive male hands, wrapped around my neck. I think that was what got to me, not their color mainly.

Bandana tied and strategically placed I futzed with the hem of my dress one more time, as seemed to be a daily habit with me as I still had not grown use to wearing a dress, I made my way out and down. It was time for me to get back into the swing of things before I withdrew too much.

The first week had been a little awkward, as all those that cared for me, all the regulars and even others finally had a chance to talk to me. They had all sent gifts and the like while I was holed away upstairs but now they took the time to verbally tell me their apologies and what have you. And while I appreciated it very much and whispered my thank you's it got to be a little overwhelming. But after the first week it had died down since everyone had finally been able to see that I was alright and trying to get back to normal.

In the two weeks that followed my first day back at work I avoided going to the cafe, and never really went anywhere on my own, not even the museum. It was odd having Ernie with me at all times, and luckily it was Sam who was sent with me on trips to the museum as Ernie would look a fright out of place amongst it all. And while the first week of it had been great and I had really felt the need to have someone with me so I wasn't alone, the second week of it was a little grating on the nerves. It was the beginning of what would be the third week of it and I needed to go to the library.

"Ernie, really I'll be okay now. I'm just going to the library," I pleaded, I felt like I was being smothered even though they were only trying to do good.

Too much good can also kill.

"And last time you were only going for a little coffee," Ernie replied back.

I sighed.

"Ernie it's been _WELL_ over a month since that happened. I'm better now, I have Reta's ginormous sized pepper spray in my purse and everything," I said, sounding like I was trying to talk my dad into letting me go out unsupervised for the first time.

"I don't care," Ernie said, crossing his massive arms across his mammoth chest.

"Ernie please, I'm feeling suffocated. And if I can't do this on my own, well I'm not much healed then am I. I'll have my cell phone and will call if I don't feel okay, and wait right where I am till you get there. Please?" I asked, desperate to be alone.

"Fine. But you do just that. I want your cell phone in your pocket, not your bag," he said, pointing to my purse.

Nodding my head I pulled it out and placed it, keypad unlocked, into my hoodie pocket.

"Good?" I asked, hoping I could leave now.

Ernie simply nodded his head yes and turned to go back behind the counter, to finish up his kitchen work for the night. I sighed in relief and made my way out, I had books to return and I was in desperate need of more.

After the library I unconsciously made my way to my little cafe. It wasn't till I was inside and hearing the chime of the heavy Asian bells clonking behind me as the door closed that I realized where I was. I had slipped into autopilot mode, doing what I normally did after going to the library. With my escorts out I had avoided the place, but without anyone with me, all by myself, it was like nothing had happened. My body went about on it's own accord. Swallowing I went up and ordered a large froofy drink and two jelly filled crawlers. I took my doughnuts, forgoing one of their plastic bags and just holding the monsters in their paper sheaths, balanced on my hand, as I waited for my drink.

Drink in hand I nodded to the kid behind the counter and made my way out. As I got out onto the street I realized where I was going to have to walk past to get to the place I called home. I slowly shuffled my feet, forcing myself to place one foot in front of the other, taking me down the sidewalk, one painful step at a time. It seemed to take forever until I was at the place where it all happened and when I finally got there my feet froze in place. I couldn't walk past it. I just stood there, staring into the semi alley type area.

It took me a little bit to realize that my eyes had watered up with tears and it wasn't until I threw my coffee onto roughly where my attacker had taken me down that they broke and fell down my face. With the throw of my coffee came a yell of frustration, frustration at what had happened, the after affects, that I had been stupid enough to let it happen, that it had happened at all, that I hadn't paid more attention to my gut feeling that something was going to go wrong.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of _shit_ ," I swore repeatedly as I stomped on the small puddles of my coffee.

I yelled and screamed in frustration as I then threw my crawlers down one after the other with force and ground them into the ground, trying to deface the street like it had defaced something inside me. I took out everything that was penned up inside me out on that spot of street.

Finally after my tears stopped, and my sniffles calmed and I had finished grinding doughnut, granulated sugar and jelly filling into the broken gravel I just stood for a moment.

I sighed big and then lifted my head. I turned on my heel and walked on, no drag to my steps. I lit a cigarette from my bag and inhaled. I guess I had needed some type of closure. I felt better, less heavy inside. My voice was still a little gruff, but I knew it would pass in time, it would heal. I realized I had needed healing for my inside insides, for my heart and soul. I needed to put a stopper in it all and finally throw out the experience like last weeks garbage.

When I got home I threw my bag down and slipped into comfortable pajamas. I slipped in an old Ani Difranco CD and turned it up, there was no one else living by me so I was allowed my loud noise. Music blasting I went to my bed and plopped onto it, a new zeal found. I grabbed my journal and opened it to where I had last entered an entry, when we they had first left, I hadn't written in it the entire time since then. I didn't think I was ready to face the ugly facts in my own handwriting, knowing it would be hard to relive it. But now, now with the closure I felt it was time.

**"I was attacked. Like so much meat in the wilderness. On the streets of the place I had come to think of as home. I was knocked out and almost strangled. I found the power to fight back. Barely. The song happy birthday saved my life. I bare my marks on the outside while I thought my inside had healed. I was wrong. It took stomping pools of coffee and grinding bits of sugar, doughnut and so much strawberry jelly into the broken remains of an alley to fully heal that. I defaced what had helped in the defacing of my pride and my being. Reta, Ernie and Sam brought me back to physical health one cooler brought upstairs with their tools of the trade, ice chips and lemon wedges, at a time. I lost contact with Jersey's voice and withdrew from her warmth, for she had turned on me. But once again I was proven wrong, Jersey is speaking to me now, strong, through helping hands and frozen peas. I have regained face."**

Stopping my pen I looked down at what I had written. Re-reading it I sighed. It was good. Slowly I tossed my heavily chewed pen that was on the it's last leg into my drawer and then closed my journal and thoughtfully placed it in after it. I pushed the drawer closed and then pushed back the covers before crawling under and falling asleep. There was no longer any need to fear the dark of my mind, I had found peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all you really need is a release of the penned up feelings inside you.  
> The greatest healing you can do is the healing you do yourself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See notes at the end for some info!

"Alright Maria, here is your vegetarian omelet with _EXTRA_ mushrooms and sauteed onions. And you Martha, here is your hash browns, strawberry syrup, and two eggs scrambled _WITH _ketchup cooked in," I said as I placed their orders down and smiled as they said thank you.__

__I went back to the counter to grab the newly filled coffee pot to refill people's mugs. It had been a week since my outburst in the alley, my need for closure sated. I still wore the bandana around my neck as the bruises were still fairly visible in places, the faint outline of hands still visible. But they were healing, they were going away, they were taking their sweet ass time in doing so but they were nonetheless. I hadn't heard from the guys this morning but that was okay, I had found myself dealing with them not being there better. Much better than before. I chalked it all up to it being so near, and then actually, my birthday that I had taken it so rough. I knew they were doing what they loved, and that it was crazy hectic, but I also knew that at some point they would be coming back home. So it was all good in my book._ _

__It wasn't until around the very beginning of the lunch period, the time between the end of breakfast and the beginning of lunch, right before lunch got hairy, that I heard the tell tale ring of the bells of the front door. But not just any normal entry of a customer were they ringing, no this time they sounded like they had been ripped off their hinges. I knew what it meant and spun around on my heel._ _

__" **JAY BIRD!** " five voices chorused in unison as they all stopped in front of me, mid faulty step._ _

__And here I had expected to be tackled to the ground, but then understood. A giant grin broke out onto my face._ _

__"I'm not going to break guys. I'm healed," I said as I opened up my arms wide._ _

__It was then that I was almost able to see them collectively sigh, like being able to see an invisible weight lift off their shoulders before I was then tackled like I had normally expected. And had wanted._ _

__Finally they helped me off the ground as I had eventually actually crumpled to the ground, as a mass, a group, the guys weighed a lot. And while I was healed like I said, I wasn't going to be able to hold up the weight of five young adult males all at one time all on my own. I dusted off my uniform and straightened my neck bandana before looking up at them a grin on my face, though it fell a bit when I saw Gerard looking at my neck where I had covered, a sad look in his eyes. I smiled though as I had come to terms with it at this point, but it still stirred some emotion inside me when Gerard's eyes didn't lose their hurt and guilty look as he slowly stretched out a hand and pushed down my bandana to touch a bruise softly with a fingertip._ _

__"Oh Jayden," he said softly, sounding sad._ _

__"It's okay," I said as I pushed his hand away and then lifted it to my neck._ _

__I untied the knot of the bandana took it off of around my neck. I heard the remaining guys hiss an intake collectively at the sight. Luckily these looked like sugary pastries compared to what they first did, otherwise reactions would have been different. Gerard just stared at them, the sad look still in his eyes as he silently stared at them._ _

__"It's really okay, I'm better and so are they," I said, more to him than any of the other guys, though I saw them all collectively nod while I looked into Gerard's eyes as I spoke._ _

__"Jay hun, why don't you take the rest of the day off with the guys," Reta said from behind the counter as she picked up her order._ _

__"But Reta the lunch rush is going to start soon. It's Friday, we'll be swamped," I argued, especially since I had already missed so much work._ _

__"No, I'll get Sam to get out front with me. You need the time to explain and be with them. Just work the first half of tomorrow for me since I know that's the only way I'll get you out of here with them," Reta said as she placed down her order and smiled at the patrons._ _

__Sam had already come out and taken my ready order and was delivering it as Reta spoke._ _

__"Fine. Let me go change and then we can go walk to the park or something," I said, the last being directed at the guys._ _

__"We'll be here Jay bird," Frankie said excitedly._ _

__It was good to see him back to his normal self already, I had missed it and didn't like the serious side of him. So it was nice to have him snap back so quickly, go back to normal. Unlike Gerard who was still watching me with guilt ridden eyes. Which I couldn't understand, none of this was his fault, he couldn't have prevented it. Turning I went upstairs to change._ _

__I slipped into my Iron Maiden shirt and an old pair of use to be skin tight medium blue jeans, that had more than their fair share of holes in them, the two biggest being in the knees. I was going to have to do something about them soon or the bottom halves were going to fall off and I was going to be left with capris. Not something I was fond of, well at least not out of these jeans, I loved these too much. I slipped on my broken in pyramid belt and my hole filled Vans that no longer looked like they were once black and white. I grabbed my Cure hoodie, my black canvas bag, my silver aviator shades and called myself done. My bandana still tied around my neck. As I exited my apartment I grabbed my camera and threw it in my bag. Now I was ready._ _

__"Let's rock," I said as I came out the apartment street entrance, where I had seen the guys' silhouettes outside the door._ _

__"And roll," Frankie said as he looped his arm with my own._ _

__I sighed internally._ _

__I really had missed them._ _

__I felt myself smiling as the group of us pre-ambled down the streets and sidewalks, crossing finally into the park that had come to be our favorite spot to all be together. My apartment was too small, though we still used it, but on beautiful days the park was what called us._ _

__**-xXx-** _ _

__"And I don't know, I made my piece with the place I guess," I finished._ _

__I had explained everything that had happened while the guys had been away. They mainly of course wanted to know about my incident and I had indulged them. I explained the series of events as I knew them, filled in what Reta had told me, and then everything after that. Including my coming to closure with the alley it had all started in. The guys had all sat around me on the grass in the park, solemn and quiet I recounted everything. Though Frankie was absent mindedly pulling out grass by the handfuls as he listened, that had made it easier._ _

__"Wow," was all Mikey uttered after I had finished talking, and he had been the first one to utter any sound._ _

__"Yeah," Ray said, still lost in his thoughts seemingly as he complied everything I had just laid down on the table._ _

__"You're amazing," Bob said as he stared me in the eyes, and I knew what he meant._ _

__"Thank you," I replied, a smile on my face._ _

__I really was better._ _

__"I'm going to create a super hero that fights crime with coffee and jelly crawlers," Frankie said as he tossed a few blades of grass up into the air._ _

__I smiled even more._ _

__Now I was completely better._ _

__I laughed at the idea, envisioning bad spandex suits._ _

__That seemed to get the other guys out of their down like stupor, getting them to chuckle and Frankie to laugh out loud. They all did, all of them except for Gerard, he only barely managed a quick weak smile._ _

__"Ooo fishes jumping," Frankie all of a sudden shouted as a water like noise was heard from behind us._ _

__How Frankie had known it was the sound of the fish jumping in the pond behind us I'll never understand. But at his outburst he leapt up and went racing off towards the pond behind us, yelling happily. I chuckled a little, he was such a kid._ _

__"You chuckle, but you should see what its like being trapped in a large van with him for the duration of a tour. I'm going to go keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't try and go sticking his head in with the fishes to see them better or something," Bob sighed as he stood up and made his way towards a loud Frankie and the fish pond._ _

__It was the truth, Frankie might really stick his head in with the fishes to see them better. His carefree behavior yet ability to be responsible and be a musician all at the same time boggled my mind and I was envious of his ability to let go. Even if he needed supervision from time to time. Which tended to be Bob. I would hate to see what poor Bob would have done if there were two Frankie's around with us._ _

__Shaking my head as I mulled over what life would be like with two Frankies, or at least two people both like Frankie, I leaned back on my hands and smiled over at Gerard. He managed another quick weak smile at me before averting his eyes towards his brother._ _

__"Ahh, I'm going to go get us something to drink. Ray, why don't you come with me," Mikey said as he jumped to his feet._ _

__"But I'm not thirsty," Ray said from his spot on the grass across from me._ _

__"Doesn't matter, I'll need help carrying shit. So up off your ass, you just spent weeks in a van you can walk a bit," Mikey said as he dragged a pouty Ray after him, off towards some mysteirous vendor._ _

__As the two of them walked farther away I adjusted my hands on the grass, bearing my weight as I leaned back, and enjoyed the silence of just sitting beside Gerard in the park after what felt like so long. After a moment or so of silence and stillness I felt Gerard move into a similar position as my current one, and we just stared out into the boundless green ahead of us, watching people and life pass by._ _

__"I," Gerard started to say but was interrupted by Frankie shouting my name at top volume as he came running towards me._ _

__"Jay, Jay, Jay!" Frankie continued shouting and waving his arms as he ran towards me even though I had turned my head and acknowledged him._ _

__"Yes Frankie dearest?" I asked as he stopped in front of me, out of breath, so I didn't have to strain my head to see him._ _

__"Can I borrow your camera so I can take pictures of the fishies as I feed them?" he asked, still out of breath from running and yelling._ _

__How he went crazy on stage while playing, acting like a monkey AND singing without dying amazed me. Especially when this left him out of breath._ _

__"Yeah go right ahead," I said as I pointed to my bag, indicating that he should go through it and find it._ _

__"Thanks!" He said as soon as he had found it, bounding off back towards where Bob was standing, now playing along with Frankie and feeding the fish._ _

__"Are you sure it's safe with him?" Gerard asked, breaking his bought of silence._ _

__"I'm sure, and Bob is with him. Besides, I'd trust Frankie with my life, not just my camera," I said as I shrugged my shoulders._ _

__"So would I," Gerard said and then fell silent._ _

__I figured he wasn't going to finish saying what he had started to when Frankie had rushed over and interrupted. But I didn't really care, I was just happy about having him back._ _

__"Hey Jayden," Gerard said softly, using my full name as he had back in the diner earlier today._ _

__He had to be serious._ _

__"What's up Gerard?" I asked happily, wanting to show him that being serious didn't mean he had to be doom and gloom._ _

__"Are you are okay?" he asked._ _

__It had been about the millionth time I had heard those four words since everything had started. But he hadn't been here, so I let him repeat himself._ _

__"Yeah of course I am," I said, beaming him a smile._ _

__But it didn't help, my smile, his eyes still looked lost and guilt ridden._ _

__"Are you sure? Like seriously?" he asked, eyes speaking more than his words could._ _

__"I'm dead serious Gerard, I really am okay. Outside as well as in," I said softly, trying my hardest to reassure him that I was okay and that life was okay._ _

__"Okay, I'll believe you this time. It's just that, that, I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe if I had been here I could have," Gerard started to ramble._ _

__"Gee!" I said loudly, getting him to stop his train of thought and verbal rambling._ _

__"Stop talking as if I'm not here anymore and you couldn't stop my death or something. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. And you couldn't have prevented anything even if you were here, you _not_ being here has nothing to do with the events that took place. Besides," I said, softening my voice as it had gotten a little agitated during my little rant._ _

__"Besides, you did save the day, and me. You called and sang me happy birthday. If it hadn't been for that, I, well let's not go there," I said, smiling reassuringly at him._ _

__He smiled back, the look of guilt and loss fading from them as he did so, as he beamed me a smile I was realizing only came out every once in a while. A very rare occurrence._ _

__"Okay. You win. I just don't know what I would do without you around, I can't see living in Jersey without you anymore," he offered, the smile falling slightly from his face but not from his eyes._ _

__"Me neither," I answered beaming him a smile, and then felt his hand softly lay over mine._ _

__We smiled at one another and then went back to facing forward and being silent, just watching life unfold in front of our eyes. Watching Frankie run around chasing Bob as Bob had suddenly lost some of his reserve and was running wildly with my camera, playing catch it if you can with Frankie. Mikey and Ray were both watching from a distance, laughing as it all happened across the green. Bob and a yelling Frankie weaving in and out of all sorts of park inhabitants, dog walkers, bikers, little old ladies waiting for their husbands to finish playing chess, and families with hordes of kids. They danced an invisible knot work through the throngs causing people they passed to laugh at their antics, completely oblivious to the wild scene they were creating._ _

__I sat back and watched, breathed in the cool air that smelled of green leaving and brown arriving, smelled crisp, like the coming Fall, and smiled. Gerard's hand was a soft warm contrast to the change in the air, it felt constant and unchanging, solid, and his silent form beside me watching the world pass made me feel safe. Jersey was beginning to feel like home and most importantly I was finding me in the life that thrived around it's streets. It wasn't so much a fairy tale anymore. I had seen the good, the beautiful, the fair and kind and I had finally seen the bad, the cruel and scary. Finally it was seeming like a real place, where I as a real person could find myself living and existing._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the serious lapse in updates guys. Recently we ran into some trouble, and by that I mean trouble ran into us. We’re fine. And so because of that the money I had saved for Christmas was put to fixing everything, and because of this I am having to make my presents. Which means all my spare time has gone into that instead of writing. So I apologize not only for this long wait but also for the short length of these updates. Know that once I am done with my presents I’ll be back in force. Know that I love you all dearly and I hope you have a wonderful holiday, whichever of the ones it is you celebrate!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, alone, cold and confused.  
> Crammed on some dingy subway in the middle of the state of New York.  
> Check, never coming back to the big apple.  
> Maybe New Jersey will be better. . ."
> 
> A girl on a journey to find herself out in the world and on the inside finds herself in the unexpecting state of New Jersey. Where life at a diner trades her old problems for a whole new set.  
> A story about life, love, loss and finding out where you fit in the grand scheme of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important notes at the end...

It took forever for me to shake the guys and send them on their separate ways. They had dragged me to a very late lunch, Frankie looped on my arm as him and I skipped down the sidewalks, and then to an even later dinner. And after we had finished eating our late dinner we had gone to a movie, and then after that they had insisted on renting movies and coming back to my place. It at that point was almost midnight and I was pooped, it had been well over a month since I had had to deal with them all as a group, had to spend an entire day doing wild and crazy things. And I was still getting over my attack, so I was drained by that point and had to call it quits. Especially since I had took work the first half of tomorrow since I had been forced to take the last half of the day off this day. Which I silently thanked Reta for forcing me to do, I had really needed it and I guess she had seen it.

I promised the guys that I was fine to walk up to my own apartment but after Frankie had wrapped himself around my waist I had to allow them all to walk me to my door. You know how hard it is to have a group of six young adults walk up that narrow old stair well? Like really hard. Especially when one said supposed young adult is draped awkwardly around another, hanging off their waist like an errant pouty child. But I didn't mind, I had needed my Frankie batteries recharged anyway. I needed all of my batteries for the guys recharged, and today had been just what the doctor ordered as a cure.

"Guys, really. My door is _RIGHT_ here, I think I'm good to go now," I said as I tried peeling Frankie off my mid section.

"All right. But we missed you so, we just wanted extra time with you," Bob offered, giving me a sad face.

I loved his weird side, the side more like the rest of the guys. He acted so grown up most of the time that I from time to time forgot he could be just like the rest of us.

"Hmm, me too. And totally understandable, but I think the quick time we spent trying to clunk our way up my stairs was not really hanging out," I teased as I finally got Frankie off.

"Well remember, you're awfully hot now, you could have been whisked away by some dashing prince on a white steed or a knight in shining armor," Mikey pouted.

I smiled. He really was cute. Especially with the damn glasses.

"Mikey, sweetie, hun. I'm pretty sure a white steed couldn't fit up here, nor a full suit of eye blinding, million pound weighing armor. We barely can. Besides, I'm not looking for either of those, who wants a guy with better hair and uses more hair care products than you? Or someone who hides behind clunking sheets of hardened metal? Not I," I said dramatically before using my finger to push Mikey's glasses farther up his nose for him.

"So no Prince Charming's in your future?" Gerard asked teasingly as Mikey smiled at me.

"Nope. I much prefer the silent stable boys that tend to lean towards being artistic. I like a weird combo of attributes," I said, making a play off the whole idea of a royal court of love, as I dug for my keys.

"Well you're in luck! You've got an _ENTIRE_ group of guys who fit the bill who are all madly in love with you and cannot see existing without you. Regardless if one has a girlfriend who also thinks the same way about you," Frankie said excitedly as he pointed to himself and the other guys enthusiastically.

"Frankie, you need to get laid," Ray said as he laid a overly dramatic sympathetic hand on Frankie's shoulder while shaking his head and sighing.

It caused all of us to burst out laughing while Frankie glared and pouted, arms crossed tightly across his chest.

"Frankie you know I love you the most anyway, so no pouting," I said as I stopped laughing finally and got my door open.

"Shh, not so loud, we don't want to hurt the other guys' feelings. They don't know they run second fiddle to me," Frankie said in a fake hushed whisper as he leaned closer to me.

"Frankie love, firstly they can hear you, and secondly it's **PLAY** second fiddle to you and run second **TRACK** to you," I said in the same fake hushed whispered.

"Same difference," Frankie said as he shrugged his shoulders and stood straight.

"Riiight. Okay, the lot of you need to skiddattle so I can go to bed and get sleep. You've warn me out," I said as I played at shooing them off my doorstep.

"Night Jay bird," Ray said as he hugged me before starting his way down the stairs.

"Night Ray," I said as he stepped farther down.

"Pleasant dreams Jay," Bob said as he took his turn at hugging me goodnight.

"You too Mr. Occasionally Not So Serious," I teased as I hugged him back.

"It's good to be home with you. Let's not separate again okay?" Mikey asked as he took me into a tight hug, holding me close.

"Promise," I replied into his chest as he was a tad taller than me, before letting him go.

"And to think they all think you're sleeping alone tonight," Frankie said all sly like as he made a dramatic show of draping his arm around my shoulders and making to turn and walk us into my apartment.

"You're a goose," I said as I redirected him and turned our position into a hug.

"And you're a chicken. So we've established our fowl-selves, what's next? Fish? Mammals?" Frankie asked as I let go of him.

"Go **HOME** Frankie. We really do need to get you laid," I teased as I ruffled his hair before pushing him away from me and down the stairs.

He stuck his tongue out at me and then proceeded to skip the rest of the way down the stairs. He was so odd.

That left Gerard. As always, last in line.

"Come here," he said as he opened his arms.

I walked into them and let myself sigh as he hugged me tight to his chest. He smelled like cigarettes and the outdoors combined into one. It was a comfortable smell.

"I missed you so much," he said as he continued to hug me.

"And I you," I said as I lifted my face from his chest and rested my chin on it, staring off over his shoulder.

We stood in silence for a moment or so, just hugging in my doorway, the rest of the guys gone outside and to the cars by that point.

"You wouldn't really have stopped taking pictures if I had come back would you of?" Gerard asked randomly.

I smiled.

"I sure would have, indeed indeed. I would have thrown away my camera right in front of you, without saying a word as I would have stopped talking to you as well," I said, looking him in the eyes.

I was dead serious about it too. I believed in their dream more so than my own almost.

"I believe you," Gerard said before pulling me back in for one more tight hug.

"Goodnight Fiery Princess," he said before stepping back to smile at me and ruffle my fire-esque locks all over the place.

"Thanks," I sighed as I frantically tried running my fingers through it to tame it, even if I was just going to go to bed.

He simply just stood there and smiled at me as I tried to fix the bird's nest he had created. I finally sighed, shrugged my shoulders in a defeated manner and quit while I was ahead, returning the same smile he was giving me.

"G'Night Sir Broody Knight," I said, bowing dramatically, playing along with the game that had been started earlier.

Gerard bowed back just as dramatically before starting down the stairs, two at a time.

"I rather think of myself as the artistically inclined silent stable boy," Gerard called out as he hit the last step on the landing before the door, bowing once more and then going out.

I smiled at him and went into my apartment, shutting the door behind me and locking it.

Changed into my favorite black pajama pants that had lightening bolts all over them and were worn thin in places, and a dark army green husband beater I slipped between my covers. Once tucked in I reached to my drawer and pulled out my journal, careful of the pieces stuck inside, not yet aheared with a piece of tape. Opening to my last entry, marked with a piece of thin red satin ribbon that was glued on one end to the spine of the book I picked up my pen and wrote.

**_"Pow wow's on the park green get interrupted by jumping Jersey fish. Gerard's eyes hold the emotion he doesn't show outwardly and Bob wove an invisible tapestry of laughter for strangers to enjoy. I got my laughter back, long since been on the road stuck in a van far from me. I have seen the good, beautiful, the bad and the ugly of Jersey and it finally doesn't feel like a fairy tale anymore. It's real. I am a princess of fire looking for a silent stable boy."_ **

I smiled at my written imagery and then closed my book. It was good that they were back. Even if they tired me out like running a marathon. Sticking my journal and pen back in their respective places I turned off my light and scooted down into my comforter. I fell asleep to images of dancing fish in Renaissance clothing, bowing and curtseying to one another like royalty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all of this crazy lapsed time between updates guys.  
> Life for me got pretty crazy.  
> Like bad crazy.  
> Upheaval style.  
> I busted my hand and was out of the writing game for a while, because it's kind of impossible and infuriating to type/write with only one freaking hand! And rather then get pissed at my writing and never come back to it I stepped away to heal.
> 
> But here we go again!

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to one of my other favorite stories.  
> This creation is one of my babies.  
> So much of ME is in this story, in this character, in this wording and imagery.  
> It's a slow build story. So don't expect something BOOM! right off the bat.  
> I love things that simmer and bubble a long time to create magic.  
> But don't worry. . . It's not THAT slow!!!
> 
> As with my other chapter fics this will be a post once a week story.  
> One new chapter a week along with my other stories (if I can manage it) and things like work and a life containing video games.


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